Creepy Google Commercial Shows What I Knew All Along (Oh Yeah, Happy Birthday Google!)

Now I'm sure this Google commercial has been out for a while, but I just saw this touching, heartfelt and tear-jerking commercial while watching the Vikings choking on some football team's dick once again. Yet I noticed something that felt just slightly odd about this commercial. For one thing it may sound cool for a parent to be able to completely document everything about your kid's life for no reason than you can, but it's also a double edged sword. I mean 10-20 years in the future and some classmate or co-worker will find that and embarrass her or worse, some psychopath will stalk her. I mean in this video, how do we know that this is her dad anyway? Hell, in just twenty seconds Google showed us how some random guy can plug in your name and then all of your private and personal shit including your entire life story in a millisecond. It could easily be the creepy neighbor down the street....

Still, the more I examined this commercial, an even more disturbing thought had mingled into my brain. What if this wasn't just some random guy, what if this faceless, voiceless, clicker was actually Google itself, gathering all of your personal knowledge in order to plot a hostile takeover of the world! I have already mentioned my distrust of Google before, but now it's getting way too scary for me to even handle. I mean I knew that if Google becomes sentient, I'd easily be the first victim anyway. So if I happen to be "missing" for a long period of time, please don't assume it's because of school or my job. Oh shit, what are you doing here? Arrrrrrrrrgggghhh!!!!!!!

Attorney's Note: Pretty sure that When Google wanted you to write them a post celebrating their 13th birthday, this is not what they had in mind.

Writer's Note*: Aha! So Google admits that he's sentient. How else would he have a 13th birthday party?

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Missoni Madness Proves My Point of Minnesota Embarrassing Itself

Wow, what a crazy and sad week it has been in the Twin Cities. First, the Vikes are looking great and kicking San Diego's ass, and then all of a sudden the offense disappeared, letting the Chargers win the game. Then, the Twins look like they are being paid to throw games or something, because I have never seen a baseball team get so creative at losing. And then of course, Michelle Bachmann goes all menstrual on vaccines, and how they are the devil's instrument of terror!

But, the strangest thing that really caught my eye, was this Missoni Madness that had a whole bunch of people buying shit from TARGET!!!! and flipping it for way more dough (These guys aren't the most rational of people) on eBay and Craigslist. Sure, that sounds brilliant, but this Missoni shit already costs hundreds of dollars in the first place, and it's from fucking Target, which has stores all across the fucking country! Sure, it's not just like Wal Mart, but you'd think with a chain franchise the size of Target, that there'd be no chance in hell that whoever would want to buy this would be left in the cold, right? WRONG!

You see, Target "claimed" that it's website shut down (Yeah, by the way, I wasn't able to post anything due to the "massive" amounts on my traffic too Target. Get real, if you're website shut down that easily, then I'd suggest getting a better server), which I guess caused crazed women across the country got their fashion senses tingling and they ran down to Targets in mobs, fighting over piles of shitty looking clothes, suitcases and bicycles (Jesus, what kind of company is this again?), wrestling over the "precious" and "limited edition" products.

OK, before I get way too ahead of myself, you may ask what the fuck is Missoni? So, I checked it out on the Target website (which mysteriously worked perfectly) and the tagline is and I quote: "Yep, it's that Missoni. we're excited too." (So excited that we didn't even bother capitalizing the "we") What the fuck does that mean? Well, basically it's this Italian guy who slathers on stripes and shapes on all of the random crap that you could think of, and sells it for ten times as much. (And by the way, this website was designed by Missoni, so if you pay at minimum $23,575.78, then you can have it!) Don't believe me? Here are some pictures of this stuff:

OK, so I might have picked the worst ones, but I just do not see the appeal of this at all. I mean the colour schemes (Using the Canadian spelling because I'm too ashamed to be in Minnesota. Wait, are there Targets in Canada?) are basically shitty brown, piss yellow and vomity pink. Don't be fooled when someone tells you that's "butternut" or "daisy" or my personal favorite "milk chocolate", because these are just euphemisms for what I described. Honestly, I swear Mr. Missoni got the idea when his crackwhore daughter came back after hitting the club and told him her shirt was "all the rage". He then put in stripes and zig zags and bam, you're a professional fashion designer. It's actually an admirable tale, but to be honest, I really don't care.

What I'm truly upset about is the fact that I've been hearing about women stripping their clothes off because the fitting rooms were all filled up, and cat fights left and right. I have scoured all across the internet to find just a little video, but sadly no person was brave enough to document the carnage that had unfolded (Well, one guy did, but he got stampeded to death) so here's all I could get.

Ten bucks says she knocked a couple of teeth to get these.

Attorney's Note: Jon, I am afraid you just do not get the fashion world at all. Missoni is a well respected brand and it was not inspired by his vomit and urine coated daughter! In fact, my wife and I waited from five a clock in the morning to get some clothes and it was well worth it. By the way, can anyone stomach this long enough to actually read the bottom?

Writer's Note: Grow a pair and stop getting whipped man. Besides, I'm just bummed out that I couldn't witness this mess. And yes, I'm sure some decrepit creep out there is so lowly, so lonely, that he'd be reading this blog. And that person is YOU! (I know I used way too many parentheses, shut up!)

Follow me on Twitter! Or Digg! Or Reddit! Or HubPages! Or How about Following this blog on Email? Oh please, just:

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Thanks For the Offer, But I'll Pass. For Intelligent Bloggers Like Me!

Well, sometimes I glance at other blogs such as spiceupmyblog.com and betterblog.com and other sites like that, mostly to just mock them at how lame their sites are compared to mine. However, they usually have some good widgets, tips, and ideas, all of which are free. So, if they want us fellow bloggers to do blogging for free, then why do they want us to be getting our own domain so badly? I mean, no offense but unless if you get like 1000 views a day or something, why bother? No point in having to pay rent just to have "your own" site, when you can keep yours for free.

Still though, I hear these guys just crowing about how incredible and awesome having your own domain is. It truly makes you feel super entitled, and uhhhhhhh. I'm pretty sure that these guys are getting paid to give rave reviews from Google or Godaddy/ HostGator, etc., because why the hell else would you brag about this? For all of you saying "Wait Jon, you have no idea what you're talking about! It makes your site look professional and aesthetically pleasing. You also get your own URL too!" Well, that's nice, but news flash I'm not a professional! I'm just some kid talking shit on the web, and just that. Anyway, I decided to try it out and with Google being such a nice sport, they gave me a preview. Here's the before and after pics.

Whoa, who'll be able to recognize my site? I mean, what if someone visited my site and were like "Whoa! What the fuck just happened? Is this some imitator site or something? Did Jon get hacked? I'll go back to using the Internet the way it was intended, porn." All two of my loyal visitors would be desperately searching for my blog, futilely trying to bask in it's original glory, only to come up empty handed.

Apparently, another perk of this whole ideal is to change your ridiculous looking URL with something a little more streamlined. For example, in order to get this page (you know, unless if you Follow by Email, bookmark it, follow me on Twitter, like me on Facebook, subscribe me on reddit, digg, feedburner, delicious, etc.), you'd need to type in www.squiresquadron.blogspot.com, instead of squiresquadron.com. Now, that's understandably a huge difference, so instead of that, you could just bookmark this or something. (Hell, Google this shit!)

Anyways, I made this post because Hostgator paid me a whole chunk of change to review them, and I feel it's worth every damn penny.

Attorney's Note: Uhhh, I am pretty sure that's not what HostGator intended when they asked you to post a review of them on your site. In fact, I suggest taking this down and formally apologizing to them right now for this hijinks!

Writer's Note: Why don't I just bend over for them too? I tell it like it is America (And the rest of the World too I guess)








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