These Cigarette Prices here in America Today (Guest Post)

Here's a guest post from funnyman Shawn Yankey from his blog Laughing at Life!

      Hi I'm comedian Shawn Yankey from the Laughing at Life blog. Today I have been invited to do a guest post over here at the Squire's Squadron and what I'm gonna talk about while i'm here is how the man is screwing us extra hard once again. These cigarettes are just too damn expensive today.

      I mean come on, $5.00 a pack for Marlboro's? Are you fkn kidding me?

      Chris Rock once said that them's crack prices, and they really are. He's totally right.

     I mean think about it y'all, it's completely despicable these prices for our smokes. I mean it's just awful.

     It might be at least a solid number 6 on the all time list of great incidents of butt rape against us citizens of the United States of America ever occurring in time.

     Of course number one being 9/11, but this cigarette price conspiracy is at least 6th of all time if not 5. Who knows. i'll have to make the list sometime..,

     Someday maybe I'll do a complete top ten of all the biggest screw jobs and conspiracies against the American citizens done to us by our corrupt and greedy government, and maybe the Squadron will invite me back to tell y'all all about it, but for now, let's just stick with these outrageous fking cigerette prices..,

     Think about just how big of an attack against the lifestyles of us poor people this cigerette price shit really is. A brutal attack againt every poor smoker, all unpaid writers, or overnight pregnant convienience store clerk, even other various defeated and broken groups or individuals walking around. I'm in three of these groups , and I can say first hand that all three of us are getting royally screwed hard here.

     How the hell can an unpaid struggling writer like me, be expected to afford the cost of feeding my fat face microwaved hot pockets and drinking 2liters of MTN Dew, just sitting on ass in front of my computer, chainsmoking cigarettes? Sitting fat and unpaid in a plume of smoke and just writing away with my clever words. Burning my sugar Momma's hard earned money on these expensive cigarettes.

     I'm trying desperatly to write that one funny enough joke to blow up and go viral or maybe even to write a good enough short story and finally get myself paid for this writing and feed my babies with my passion and these smartass funny jokes and words.

     Seriously, I need to start making enough money soon to at least chip in on cigs and groceries from this silly writing.

     Achieving the status of poor is on our family's short term goal list, it's #3 in fact. Then maybe my wife could think of me during sex again and maybe she might even stop scowling everytime she walks by my fat bottomed chain-smoking ass as I sit there at the computer just endlessly hunting and pecking, working on blogs for free with all my clever little smartass words.

     Bottom line is, I just really can't afford to chainsmoke and write for much longer.

     For now, I write these words for free. I can't write without MTN Dew and cigarettes far as I know. I never have before. If I cant get paid to be funny I'm afraid I may need to get a real job or quit smoking.

     I can't quit smoking because guess what, punch in the crotch number two in the cig price conspiracy, these cigarettes are addictive.

You see the problem right? Here's more proof if your skeptical still..,

     Quick facts for you about why I'm so pissed about all this BS real quick. I don't want to complain too much or overstay my welcome here. I'm actually wanting to come back and write that top ten list but real quickly though some facts..,

     Did y'all know how much a pack of ciggarettes's cost in Iraq?

     $1.57, and that's for Marlboro's. My Decades' are almost $# and they are the cheapest at the store. So they pay half that and I know what you're thinking, bullshit right?

     Yes, I thought so too. And guess what else? You don't even want to Google what a gallon of gas costs over in Iraq.

     66 cents. No shit y'all. 66 pennies.

     To recap, gas is $3 cheaper and cigarettes are 4 bucks cheaper and that kinda seems weird to me right? Because I mean, didn't we just like conquor all of Iraq? Wtf is up with these prices then am I right? Where's our cheap smokes and gas here in the US?

     Either we're being screwed royal like or I say we get Navy Seal team 6 and Obama on this shit right here right away and get these two problems or at least the cigarette price delema solved right away. Money's getting tight.

    That's all I'm saying here though seriously folks, we're gonna have to rise up here or the man won't stop all this violating of us. Us poor are the 99%ers remember. We may be fat and lazy but there's tons more of us. We'd win.

    The tobacco and gas company's are raping us hard and, I don't know about y'all, but my butt is awful sore. So, let's pick a time and tweet each other so we can find a place and a time we can meet up and go fk up the man enough to at least get these cigarette and gas prices down some back home here in the motherland.

Attorney's Note*: Jon, what are you doing? You can't put something this vulgar and crazy sounding as this on your blog or else Google will shut you down!

Editor's Note**: I know, at first it was just him saying that cigarette prices were starting to get out of hand, so I decided to sprinkle in a few swear words here and there and turn it into a great conspiracy thing. You know, to get higher ratings.

Surgeon General's Warning***: Remember kids, smoking is bad for you and stuff like that. 

Everybody Else's Note****: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Vote for Me! Hunt for '32 Campaign! For the greatest of Patriots!

To vote for me.

As I'm sure you all know, the new Presidential Election is coming up pretty damn soon. So, do you know who you're picking? Honestly, I don't really care, but since this is my first eligible voting election since I'll be nineteen come November, I'll be taking notes. Now I won't tell you who I'll be voting for but just assume it'll be the most obscure, random, and unlikely person you'll ever see in the Oval Office.

Now, onto the real business. The reason why I'll be bringing notes is to study the winner's campaign and perhaps incorporate that into my own! Hopefully, with the help of my zombie internet followers I can go ahead and rule this country! So, here are some excerpts from a Press Conference that I took a week ago when I made sure it was the slowest possible newsday ever.

"Hello, here. Now, you might just be wondering why we're all congregated here today. Well, I just want to announce my candidacy for the 2032 election! Any questions? Yes, you in the middle." I pointed towards some average looking woman.

"Yeah, why should we care again?"
"Uhh, good question you little bitch. Anyway, you don't care about the future? What kind of monster are you?! Shouldn't you care about the children? Besides, President is a very big deal m'aam!" After completely owning her another woman raised her hand. "Yes, go on."
"What party are you going to run as?"
"See Mary, (I pointed at the fat toad) that's a legitimate question. Uh, yea I don't want to get political lines drawn now. All I have to say is if you agree with my viewpoints then vote for me!"
"Yeah, so how are we gonna remember you twenty years from now, you dumbfuck?!" It was that damn warty toad again.
"Well, you see if you get to know my charm, wit and dazzling smile I doubt even you could forget this face. Now you sir." I pointed to a douchey looking reporter.
"Yes, well uh,  what is your agenda?"
"What did you just call me!?"
"No, your plan. The ideas that you were spewing about earlier?"
"Oh yeah! Something about curing AIDS, ending World Hunger and going to war with China. You know, the usual."
"Sorry, what was that?" inquired that bimbo once again.
"Oh, so you have a problem with ending World Hunger! You are Un Freakin' Believable! You know that, right?"
"No, not that. Even though I highly doubt you could do any of those other things. I'm talking about going to war against China."
"So, you support the Commies all of a sudden? I suppose this is a free country but I personally believe that you are a traitor to this great nation's philosophies and you take the liberties that our forefathers have toiled over for granted!" The other reporters nodded in agreement with one guy shouting "Amen!"
"Well, sure they might operate under a different political standpoint but they  are still our friends. Besides, our economy depends on the Chinese!"
"Yeah, whatever. Who cares about politics anyway? You guys will be electing me to lead, not to read!"
A couple morons facepalmed while the rest of the crowd applauded.
"Anyways, next question."
"Yessir, what are you going to do about the economy?"
"The same way that I take care of my debts, put it on an overtrusting credit card company and change your identity and move to Mexico for a couple of years."
"How the hell would that work?" asked the slimy little toad.
"We simply dump each and every penny of our debt onto China and then inform them that we actually switched places with Mexico. They'd never see it coming!"
"That wouldn't work in a million years" shouted that one douchey guy again.
"So I suppose that you have a much better plan then huh? Why don't you come up to the podium and inform everyone here of your plan?"
"Uhh, sure. Yeah, why not? OK, so here's what we do. Instead of spending a trillion dollars on healthcare or bailing out fatcat banks, why don't we just give it to the people who run the economy, you know the hundreds of millions of consumers and let them decide which companies are most important? And instead of allowing companies to send jobs overseas, how about tarriffing those companies while giving benefits to those that are primarily employed by Americans. And for Immigration, as long as they pay taxes, who the hell cares? Trust me, the IRS would be much more efficient and scarier than the Border Patrol. And-"
"OK, get off the damn podium, you had your fifteen minutes of fame. Now you're just trying to make me look bad." I said as I pushed him back to his rightful place below me.
"No, your utter lack of preparedness made you look bad. In fact I believe that guy over there is way more qualified than you!" remarked Professor Umbridge with the whole crowd nodding in agreement.
"Fine, you've got me. All I've got to say is hold on a sec. What's your name douchey guy?"
"Me, it's Jack. Jack Doe."
"Well, Mr. Doe has agreed to be my vice presidential candidate underneath the campaign Hunt Doe!"
Mr. Doe yelled out "Hells no" but it did not matter since the cheering from the crowd drowned him out.
*Attorney's Note: Normally I'd be happy that you are actually thinking ahead in the future, but this is absolutely ridiculous. I mean this ain't exactly good press and the last hitman hiring took out your allotted legal budget, so you might want to tone it down. Oh yeah, why the fuck am I not an Attorney General anymore?
**Writer's Note: Well maybe if I become president you might actually be a secretary or something.

Gun to a Knife Fight: The Never Ending Noir Novel

 A noise, irritating, nasally, almost shriek-like, distresses a man who merely writhes in his bed. He slams his fist hard on the alarm clock, killing off the noise. Then he hears a similar whiney tone across the room, which forces him to scramble and clumsily flail at  in a hurried fashion, before the ringer expired. As he finally reaches the phone, he is lambasted by an outraged voice.

                “Stone, where the fuck are you?”

                “Oh, it’s just the Lawyer. I thought I told you that you should only call this damn phone in a life or death situation. Since you clearly sound nice and safe, I’ll continue to take my extended break,” muttered Stone cantankerously.

                “It’s noon Stone. Get your ass out of bed, get dressed and get here quick because we’ve got a case that I’m sure you’ll be really interested in.”

                “Five hundred bucks says I’ll be able to solve it in ten minutes.”

A sigh penetrates the silence. “Yeah sure, whatever. If you want to give me free money then that’s your problem. Come by quick, alright?”

                “Ah, don’t worry. I’ll be right over.”

                A man finely attired in a three piece suit and an aura of fine taste is impertinently tapping and scuffling his once immaculate fine-leather dress shoes, staring at his watch while consoling a crying huddle of grieving family members. A run down, beaten up maroon Prius pulls up, with Mr. Stone wrapped in a ruffled up and stained trench coat, topped off by a 1950s era fedora. The family members flash a bewildered look, while the Lawyer reluctantly acknowledges him as a colleague.

                “Hello, the name is Detective Jacoby Stone. So what appears to be the issue here?” in a voice as sincere as he could muster. The mourning family turns from flabbergasted to enraged, with the Lawyer face-palming on the side.

                “What is the issue here? My son just fucking died! How the hell is that just an ‘issue’?”

                “Okay, I take it you’re the mom then, right? Well, can somebody please explain to me the full situation here, perchance even get a look at the crime scene or the body? Where’s Sterling anyway? I’d at least want some witness testimonial and some decent pictures of the body.”

                “Time’s a ticking Stone. You better hurry up, or you’ll be down half a grand,” mocked the Lawyer, transfixed on his watch.

                “Why, you wanna double it? I’ve still got live six minutes left.” Before the Lawyer could utter a word, Stone replied,” On second thought, I’ll just do my damn job.” A couple of police officers approach Stone, one scrawny, nervous and twitching, the other portly, callous, and clammy. “So what do we have here?”

                “Yeah Stone, we were the two officers that were pursuing the victim at the time. Me and my buddy heard a complaint from the neighbors about suspicious activity around the area, saw this kid and a few buds messing around and ordered them to vacate the premises. They then withdrew weapons on us and we were forced to use lethal force as self-defense.” recounted the portly officer. Stone scans the two, and is impelled by the agitation of the other officer.

                “So I’m taking that you were the one to kill the kid then right?” implied Stone, pointing at the intimidated policeman.

                “No, I was. I told you, it was for the safety of not only me, but my partner and those around us,” responded the portly officer.

                “Okay, so can I at least see the body and the supposed weapon that he had, then?”

                “No because the guys from the morgue already bagged and tagged him. But, the medical examiner Ms. Sterling gave us some pictures, and attested that he died the way we are trained to kill, a couple of shots to the head killing him instantly. Textbook. Also, here is the weapon in question found on the person himself.” The officer hands him a bag with a gun, and some grotesque pictures of the young man’s body with only a mangled lump as a "head".

                “I’m sorry, but the way you described the medical cause of death you almost seemed to marvel your work, as if you enjoyed killing this kid-”

                “Hey, what kind of bullshit are you trying to pull?”

                “Let me finish. Also, this weapon that you claim was found on this person. Are you sure that it is one hundred percent, without a doubt anyone else’s?”

                “Hell’s yeah I am!”

                “Just wondering because this is a police issued Glock 22, in fact I have the very same type. Now it could be possible that he somehow got this needlessly rare piece of weaponry or you shot him in cold blood and you planted this gun to cover your ass!” Stone let out a little arrogant smirk, which almost always signaled the end for even the most worthy of adversaries, let alone the perpetrator of this amateur crime.

                “How would you ever prove that obvious lie?” asked the cop in a quivered, nervous, voice, his eyes shifting, his skin drenched. Stone prowled over to him, a shark sensing the blood of his prey, anticipating the kill. The cop shuddered when Stone sniffed out his scheme so quickly, so effortlessly. How could he have known, was it that obvious?

                “Well, even if you used gloves and made sure that the kid’s fingerprints were on the gun, I am sure you had a bone to pick with this kid that we will find. Also-“ He turns to the scrawny officer, carefully examines him, and a reassuring smirk draws across his face. The same one that doomed his fellow comrade. “Hey, I know this guy probably threatened you really badly, but trust me when he is found out, I am going to personally gun for you and press charges for conspiring to kill and accessory to murder which will mean spending a good chunk of your life in jail. Or if you ‘fess up, I’ll let you go scot free, hell not even a slap in the wrist.” The cop eagerly obliged with a goofy nod, and soon, carrying his former partner into the back of a cruiser.

                “Time’s up and now it’s time to cough up… Oh bloody hell Stone!” remarked the Lawyer, seeing that he was once again defeated.

                “Don’t worry, we still have to get proof and evidence that will be accepted to court and all of that other bullshit, which I am going to let you take over. So, I guess then it is a push. Anyway, I have to go to a special meeting, and when I come back Marceau, you better have all that shit together.” Stone runs off, leaving Marceau to fully explain the situation to a still infuriated mother that only slightly calmed down.

                “Sorry, I am late. Did not mean it in the slightest. The traffic was busy and I had a hard case and”

                “You are not late at all, in fact you actually might be early,” replied Sterling calmly.

                “I thought you said 5:30, and it is half past 6?” Stone then rechecked his watch, clearly puzzled.

                “I know, I actually lied and actually came here just a few minutes ago.”

                “Whoa, wait. Hold on, what if I actually did arrive on time?” Sterling gives him her trademark glare, one that impeccably surmised her emotions every single time. “OK, good point. That’s actually not a bad idea, but still hurts me on the inside that you apparently don’t trust me being reliable.”

                “Oh yeah, I’m sure it is just eating you up. Besides Jac, you might have several good qualities, but being punctual is not one of them.”

                “Whatever. Did Marceau tell you about the case and how I solved it in like five minutes?” Stone tried to pass it off nonchalantly, but ended up in a bragging tone.

                “Yeah, he called me a few minutes ago after digging up all the facts, and as it turns out the victim was the police guy’s daughter’s boyfriend that cheated off her, and he decided to take some drastic justice and fuck up at least three lives not even counting the kid’s family. Oh yeah, he also mentioned that I should drag you to the courthouse to testify with the Jacksons.”

                “First off, there is no fucking way that I am going to court, because I am not needed. You guys have all of the evidence, motive, creative and dramatic storytelling, charm and charisma in order to book this guy. I mean it should be a slam dunk, and plus I just really fucking hate courts. Secondly, I just don’t give a fuck. And finally, who the hell are the Jacksons?”

                “The Jacksons are our clients, and we kind of need you to represent the Marceau Stone Sterling Law Firm and Private Investigation considering that you are probably the only one of us that’s actually well known.”

                “Oh I’m pretty sure that Marceau can distract and entertain his fellow soul suckers enough for you to not even miss me. Besides, I have got a lot of cases and I can’t shut down the company for one measly case.”

                “Oh that’s so cute. You think you actually have any say in the matter. Fine, if you’re going to act this way, let the grown-ups talk, but at least attend the damn thing.” A waiter comes by and brings in a couple of gigantic platters topped off with fresh lobster, filet mignon and other delicacies.

             “Wow, we’re going all out with lobster too, huh? You are freaking awesome.”

“Oh yeah, and you better make damn sure that you’re not late.”

A New Series For a New Website!

Don't worry, I'll still put stuff here.
http://notreallyacookbook.blogspot.com/2012/01/how-to-serve-your-packers-fan-friends.html
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Half Assed Sports Roundup! The "I Got More Hits Than Jeter, Currently Waiting For Gold Glove And Significantly Overpaid Contract" Edition!

Hello folks, I know I haven't posted in a while, and goddammit a whole lot of shit happened since then. The Red Sox and Braves had a choking contest going on, but the Phillies and Yanks felt so left out that they joined in on the fun too. Hell, it almost even seemed like baseball was actually interesting, until football came back! Now, in a drama filled soap opera with star "runningback" Chris Johnson sucking dick and wide white receiver Julian Edelman accused of sexual assault, it is time for me to use my journalistic skills (what I learned from the pros; just make it up as you go along), I will hopefully uncover the truth at what is happening with some of the NFL's biggest headlines.

Mystery Numero Uno: What has Mr. Neck Pubes Done To Get All of This Hype?

If you squint really hard, you won't even
see the difference. Seriously.

Andrew Luck is doing pretty damn well in college, and I gotta admit he is pretty awesome to watch, because he seems to be the best guy on the field all of the time. Because he is. I mean come on, the hardest team that he has had to play was USC, and they aren't even qualified to go to any bowl games! Yet people all over the country are just absolutely gushing in their pants about this guy, even though with the best o line, running game and arguably one of the weaker divisions in college, he still doesn't seem to be the sure fire thing that everybody is expecting. Every time I watch him he seems to jump up and down and run in circles for a fucking hour only to throw it to some guy who was as wide open as your mom all damn day (the receivers by the way; your mom was last night) and he is suddenly hailed as the almighty great one who can do no wrong. Now I'm not saying he's going to suck at the NFL, but if he's a dud I am so claiming he did (and if he really is the next Peyton Manning or Tom Brady then pay no attention to this post).

Mystery # 2: What the fuck happened to Chris Johnson?:
The guy who just 2 years ago ran for over 2000 yards a couple years ago is now a huge scrub with his back-up outdoing him. So what the fuck CJ? Well, Mr. "Getting away from the Cops Speed"  has taken the money and DIDN'T run after signing a huge contract that will likely set him up for a couple of years until he inevitably blows it on cocaine and hookers like every sane and reasonable man in charge with that much finance. Sure, he might actually be working his ass off and is injured or something, but right after bitching and whining about a contract until he finally got one? Fat chance there buddy.

                                Don't worry, the announcer guy is also black so it's totally cool.

Mystery # 3: Is Phillip Rivers Stricken With Color Blindness?:
Phillip Rivers was always one of those borderline great players who kept on choking in the playoffs, but now he's not even getting his usual regular season stats (God forbid)! So what's the deal with this shit then (the fumbling, interceptions and just plain sucking)? I honestly have no idea, but Rivers never had a true nickname so I guess the obvious answer is that Phillip wants us to give him the perfect one. I mean how could a not really elite, but still really good player get the attention needed to get an awesome or cool nickname? By playing bad enough that we are forced to remember how good he used to be I suppose. So I propose a name like Butterfingers or Fumbles. Yeah, I'm gonna go with Fumbles too.

It was always Fumbles.

Attorney's Note*: You know what, I actually think that this post is so neutral and inoffensive that no one will actually sue us this time? Bravo! Oh yeah, why the long ass title?

Writer's Note*: Yeah, I know it sucked too. Didn't have to tell me twice.

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Creepy Google Commercial Shows What I Knew All Along (Oh Yeah, Happy Birthday Google!)

Now I'm sure this Google commercial has been out for a while, but I just saw this touching, heartfelt and tear-jerking commercial while watching the Vikings choking on some football team's dick once again. Yet I noticed something that felt just slightly odd about this commercial. For one thing it may sound cool for a parent to be able to completely document everything about your kid's life for no reason than you can, but it's also a double edged sword. I mean 10-20 years in the future and some classmate or co-worker will find that and embarrass her or worse, some psychopath will stalk her. I mean in this video, how do we know that this is her dad anyway? Hell, in just twenty seconds Google showed us how some random guy can plug in your name and then all of your private and personal shit including your entire life story in a millisecond. It could easily be the creepy neighbor down the street....

Still, the more I examined this commercial, an even more disturbing thought had mingled into my brain. What if this wasn't just some random guy, what if this faceless, voiceless, clicker was actually Google itself, gathering all of your personal knowledge in order to plot a hostile takeover of the world! I have already mentioned my distrust of Google before, but now it's getting way too scary for me to even handle. I mean I knew that if Google becomes sentient, I'd easily be the first victim anyway. So if I happen to be "missing" for a long period of time, please don't assume it's because of school or my job. Oh shit, what are you doing here? Arrrrrrrrrgggghhh!!!!!!!

Attorney's Note: Pretty sure that When Google wanted you to write them a post celebrating their 13th birthday, this is not what they had in mind.

Writer's Note*: Aha! So Google admits that he's sentient. How else would he have a 13th birthday party?

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Missoni Madness Proves My Point of Minnesota Embarrassing Itself

Wow, what a crazy and sad week it has been in the Twin Cities. First, the Vikes are looking great and kicking San Diego's ass, and then all of a sudden the offense disappeared, letting the Chargers win the game. Then, the Twins look like they are being paid to throw games or something, because I have never seen a baseball team get so creative at losing. And then of course, Michelle Bachmann goes all menstrual on vaccines, and how they are the devil's instrument of terror!

But, the strangest thing that really caught my eye, was this Missoni Madness that had a whole bunch of people buying shit from TARGET!!!! and flipping it for way more dough (These guys aren't the most rational of people) on eBay and Craigslist. Sure, that sounds brilliant, but this Missoni shit already costs hundreds of dollars in the first place, and it's from fucking Target, which has stores all across the fucking country! Sure, it's not just like Wal Mart, but you'd think with a chain franchise the size of Target, that there'd be no chance in hell that whoever would want to buy this would be left in the cold, right? WRONG!

You see, Target "claimed" that it's website shut down (Yeah, by the way, I wasn't able to post anything due to the "massive" amounts on my traffic too Target. Get real, if you're website shut down that easily, then I'd suggest getting a better server), which I guess caused crazed women across the country got their fashion senses tingling and they ran down to Targets in mobs, fighting over piles of shitty looking clothes, suitcases and bicycles (Jesus, what kind of company is this again?), wrestling over the "precious" and "limited edition" products.

OK, before I get way too ahead of myself, you may ask what the fuck is Missoni? So, I checked it out on the Target website (which mysteriously worked perfectly) and the tagline is and I quote: "Yep, it's that Missoni. we're excited too." (So excited that we didn't even bother capitalizing the "we") What the fuck does that mean? Well, basically it's this Italian guy who slathers on stripes and shapes on all of the random crap that you could think of, and sells it for ten times as much. (And by the way, this website was designed by Missoni, so if you pay at minimum $23,575.78, then you can have it!) Don't believe me? Here are some pictures of this stuff:

OK, so I might have picked the worst ones, but I just do not see the appeal of this at all. I mean the colour schemes (Using the Canadian spelling because I'm too ashamed to be in Minnesota. Wait, are there Targets in Canada?) are basically shitty brown, piss yellow and vomity pink. Don't be fooled when someone tells you that's "butternut" or "daisy" or my personal favorite "milk chocolate", because these are just euphemisms for what I described. Honestly, I swear Mr. Missoni got the idea when his crackwhore daughter came back after hitting the club and told him her shirt was "all the rage". He then put in stripes and zig zags and bam, you're a professional fashion designer. It's actually an admirable tale, but to be honest, I really don't care.

What I'm truly upset about is the fact that I've been hearing about women stripping their clothes off because the fitting rooms were all filled up, and cat fights left and right. I have scoured all across the internet to find just a little video, but sadly no person was brave enough to document the carnage that had unfolded (Well, one guy did, but he got stampeded to death) so here's all I could get.

Ten bucks says she knocked a couple of teeth to get these.

Attorney's Note: Jon, I am afraid you just do not get the fashion world at all. Missoni is a well respected brand and it was not inspired by his vomit and urine coated daughter! In fact, my wife and I waited from five a clock in the morning to get some clothes and it was well worth it. By the way, can anyone stomach this long enough to actually read the bottom?

Writer's Note: Grow a pair and stop getting whipped man. Besides, I'm just bummed out that I couldn't witness this mess. And yes, I'm sure some decrepit creep out there is so lowly, so lonely, that he'd be reading this blog. And that person is YOU! (I know I used way too many parentheses, shut up!)

Follow me on Twitter! Or Digg! Or Reddit! Or HubPages! Or How about Following this blog on Email? Oh please, just:

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Thanks For the Offer, But I'll Pass. For Intelligent Bloggers Like Me!

Well, sometimes I glance at other blogs such as spiceupmyblog.com and betterblog.com and other sites like that, mostly to just mock them at how lame their sites are compared to mine. However, they usually have some good widgets, tips, and ideas, all of which are free. So, if they want us fellow bloggers to do blogging for free, then why do they want us to be getting our own domain so badly? I mean, no offense but unless if you get like 1000 views a day or something, why bother? No point in having to pay rent just to have "your own" site, when you can keep yours for free.

Still though, I hear these guys just crowing about how incredible and awesome having your own domain is. It truly makes you feel super entitled, and uhhhhhhh. I'm pretty sure that these guys are getting paid to give rave reviews from Google or Godaddy/ HostGator, etc., because why the hell else would you brag about this? For all of you saying "Wait Jon, you have no idea what you're talking about! It makes your site look professional and aesthetically pleasing. You also get your own URL too!" Well, that's nice, but news flash I'm not a professional! I'm just some kid talking shit on the web, and just that. Anyway, I decided to try it out and with Google being such a nice sport, they gave me a preview. Here's the before and after pics.

Whoa, who'll be able to recognize my site? I mean, what if someone visited my site and were like "Whoa! What the fuck just happened? Is this some imitator site or something? Did Jon get hacked? I'll go back to using the Internet the way it was intended, porn." All two of my loyal visitors would be desperately searching for my blog, futilely trying to bask in it's original glory, only to come up empty handed.

Apparently, another perk of this whole ideal is to change your ridiculous looking URL with something a little more streamlined. For example, in order to get this page (you know, unless if you Follow by Email, bookmark it, follow me on Twitter, like me on Facebook, subscribe me on reddit, digg, feedburner, delicious, etc.), you'd need to type in www.squiresquadron.blogspot.com, instead of squiresquadron.com. Now, that's understandably a huge difference, so instead of that, you could just bookmark this or something. (Hell, Google this shit!)

Anyways, I made this post because Hostgator paid me a whole chunk of change to review them, and I feel it's worth every damn penny.

Attorney's Note: Uhhh, I am pretty sure that's not what HostGator intended when they asked you to post a review of them on your site. In fact, I suggest taking this down and formally apologizing to them right now for this hijinks!

Writer's Note: Why don't I just bend over for them too? I tell it like it is America (And the rest of the World too I guess)








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Goodnight Irene! My Explanation for these Crazy Events

Well, as some of you may know, I actually live in the cozy (boring) area of Saint Paul, MN. However, I spent most of my childhood in New England, with many relatives still living there who have been telling me that it's been a crazy week so far. First, an earthquake around D.C., which rattled the coast. Then, a hurricane is forming right now that is suspiciously predicted to go up the coastline, spreading mayhem from Carolina to Canada. Now, I'm not a meteorologist, so I did some research, and these facts absolutely startled me.

Now, if you have read up on mythology as much as I have, then you'll know that Poseidon is known as the God of the Sea, who can create deadly storms. What you probably didn't know is that he is also known as the "Earth Shaker" (citation needed? Damn it, just google it. Too tired for sources), which also explains the earthquake. So then why would Poseidon want to destroy the East Coast? And why now of all times? Then when I was watching the news, I found a keyword that pieced everything together. "Jersey Shore". It all made sense now. You see, Poseidon obviously was watching Jersey Shore and had gotten way too much Snooki for even a god to take, so he decided to take it out on the entire East Coast, all to destroy that Garbage, err, I mean Garden State forever.

How can we stop this calamity from happening? There's only one way to appease an ornery deity, human sacrifice. That's right ladies and gentlemen, we'll have to offer up the cast of Jersey Shore to the sea. Now, it's not so much a moralistic obstacle (because who would defend these guys?), but a strategic one. Luckily, I have a cunning plan. Lure them with half naked, greased up Oompah Loompahs to the beach, and push them into the ocean, where the currents will spare us of even more of that godawful show.

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Totally Not a Scam! URL Appraisal and other Site "Evaluators"

Hello everyone. I just wanted you guys to know that my website, Squire's Squadron is worth $23,575.58! NOT! Come on, it's worth way more than that, URL Appraisal! I understand you want to be more realistic and try to lowball it a little bit, but I could barely afford an American car with that little money, let alone a functioning one. I suppose that's your evil plan URL Appraisals, to try and get me to sell my site for virtually nothing. I'll have you know that this site, which is the Two Million Six Hundred and Seventy Nine Thousand Five Hundred and Twenty Ninth best site in the Universe is just so great that other bloggers offer me hundreds of dollars just to comment on my new Disqus platform. And I keep telling them thanks, but no thanks because it's just not worth your opinions ruining the greatness of my FACTS (Which is why there's like no comments here, not because no one cares what I say).

So, what is URL Appraisal's evil plan with my site anyway? Why do they continue to try to lower the value of my incredibly awesome and not fucking shitty site? Call me crazy, but I have come up with an interesting theory. See, there is this site called Flippa.com (too lazy to link it up, sorry) and I believe that URL Appraisal is trying to lure me to sell my blog, in order to make millions, nay, billions on this incredibly lucrative goldmine. Well, the joke is on you, because I will proudly display your badge as a protest to your hostile takeovers of small, innocent little websites just managing to scrape a couple mill once in a while. Join me, and boycott URL Appraisals for not only do they spit on my blog, they also get free advertising (as if there wasn't enough fucking ads already)! So, just to prove my point, I went to cubestats.com, which seemed to be nice enough to give me a break and give me a legitimate idea as to my site's value.

FUCKING A!!!!

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Jackie Chan Karate Chopped Death in the Face, Still Alive

HONG KONG, CHINA It was a sad time indeed when we heard the bitter news that everyone's favorite Chinese guy (since it turned out that Yao Ming sucked) was found dead in his apartment this Wednesday from a heart attack. However, it has been reported that Jackie has actually come back to life again and is now perfectly healthy.

When asked how he was able to do the seemingly impossible, Chan responded quite frankly. "You see, I was just on the couch when my heart felt like it was going to burst. Then, my eyes went all white and I knew that I was a goner. But after hanging out in the land of the dead and everything, I decided to track down this Death guy so I was talking to the locals for a little bit, where they pointed me to his little throne. Then, I challenged Death to a Kung Fu duel, because no one messes with the Chan, when all of a sudden he pulled out a sword. Knowing that I was screwed, he even gave me a sword too. We were battling and everything, and he took my sword and threw it, and then I grabbed his throne and toppled it onto him. Then, I karate chopped his face off and, bam, I'm back."

Even with such an airtight story, there were still skeptics. "Jackie ain't tough enough to come back from the dead. Trust me, because he'd be able to do the same thing with his career," remarked Jet Li. "It seems as if Chan is doing this as a ploy in order to revive his dying career. When was the last watchable movie he made, Around the World in Eighty Days?" conspired Chow Yun Fats. Award winning Director Brett Ratner, best known for his masterpieces of bullshit such as X Men: The Last Stand and the Rush Hour series simply replied ,"Thank God, because I was worried for Chan's family, and of course we will still be working on Rush Hour 4 to the best of our abilities!"

It seems certain that Chan has done the impossible, and therefore deserves as much attention as he can possibly garner (even though he died at March too), so I say live and let live. I mean, how could this have possibly benefited Chan? It's not like his career took a nosedive and now he's relevant again.




Oh, wait a minute.

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Jays' Dynasty Secret Exposed by ESPN

TORONTO, CN- On Wednesday this week, ESPN had discovered that the Toronto Blue Jays, who everyone knows has been one of the most dominant teams in baseball with it's .500 record and consistently finishing fourth place in it's division, have been cheating! According to the respectable journalism of ESPN Magazine, written by Amy "I got hired so ESPN wouldn't look sexist" Nelson and Peter "Please Don't Hurt Me" Keating, it appears that the Jays newfound success of not even coming close to the playoffs stems from stealing signs!


According to their trustworthy unnamed source, four unimportant, i mean unnamed players have personally witnessed a mysterious "man in white" who was watching the catcher's signs and telling the Jays' batters what pitch was coming, by cleverly and inconspicuously jumping out of his seat at pretty much every pitch in order for the Jays batters to pick up the signal. Also, the guy in white, somehow was able to see the catcher's hand from five hundred feet away, because, ESPN said so. Now, unfortunately, even with almost a hundred home games a year being videotaped by Canadians, there appears to be no evidence of this "man in white". Luckily though, an anonymous artist was able to draw up an image for clarity.

Artist's Representation of Man in White, using smoke signals to  give  Jays an advantage

The rest of the league was absolutely furious however. Brian Cashman, GM of the Yankees (who were caught stealing signs just a couple months ago) retorted " What the Blue Jays are doing is an outrage to the game, as the only thing that should matter be in the ballpark." Charlie Manuel, of the Philadelphia Phillies (also caught last year) replied " Here goes the Steroid Era again. Honestly guys, we shouldn't tarnish the name of baseball even  more, because people are wary enough!" Astros GM Ed Wade responded "Damn, if only I had thought of that, maybe I wouldn't be kicked out to the unemployment line!"

Still though, is stealing signs that much of an advantage? Should the Jays be punished? Does Canada even care about baseball? Who cares, it's a fourth place team. GO SOX!

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Zombie Apocalypse: How Not to Proceed! For Clueless Curmudgeons Like You!

I realize that most of you realize the term "zombie apocalypse" is just a hypothetical scenario which really is more of a metaphor of your desperate pleas to turn over a new leaf or escape this elitist society (But Jon, you may ask because I'm forcing you to read a note out loud whilst holding a knife to your throat, why do you continue to berate your fans? Sorry, it's just that my alma mater was the Greg House Institute of Snide Humour w/ the British Spelling). Still, like all cultures, the Net has some crazy people take it too far and build bunkers and fortresses and all of that crazy shit. Fine by me, but for this scenario I'd assume that these geeks, misfits and nerds wouldn't last one freaking day if this shit actually happened. So, to find out I borrowed that What If Machine from Futurama, and it's simulation will follow some nerd called Alex.




WHIM: Alex and a few of his friends are hiding in an abandoned building, and each one is armed with a gun 'cause I said so.
JON: Ok, Alex. So we got all of these guns and shit. What the hell do we do now?
ALEX: Let me think for a sec,  I'm trying to remember that one movie I saw a little while ago.
SOME RANDOM KID: We need chainsaws!
A: Yup, we definitely need some of those. Maybe something even cooler like a flamethrower or maybe a flamethrowing chainsaw!
SRK: Or a chain throwing flamesaw!
A: Yeah, exactly!
J: OK, well that's interesting and all but what about food, shelter or water? You know, like the basic necessities?
A: Pfffft. That shit won't be needed for three days. Let's just wait till the last minute and kick some zombie ass!
DIS ONE GUY: Yeah, what he said!
J: Yeah, but if we wait till the last minute then we'll all die! Plus, do we even know how to fire these suckers?
A: Yeah, just point and shoot!
J: Well ,obviously but have any of us ever taken firearms classes? Or ever even really fired a fucking gun?
A: Well, I Quickscope your ass in Call of Duty all the time! (Note, this is a lie. I kick this kid's ass in COD all the fucking time. Poor noob)
J: But, that's not real life. Anyways, we probably should secure this place up before they try to kill us or whatever.
WHIM: After spending a few hours trying to board up windows and shit, the group notices something.
J: Hey, where did dat one guy go?
A: I don't know, 'cause I just told him to go get all of that shit you were talking about.
J: All alone out there?!
WHIM: DOG is seen clutching his neck, with a hint of blood seen on his hand. He's walking in a wispy motion, and it was freaking the shit out of everybody.
J: Hey, DOG. Are you alright? You look a little woozy, and where the hell did you get that cut?
DOG: BRAINS!
WHIM: Alex freaks out pulls out his gun and shot DOG in the stomach.
J: Holy shit! You almost shot me! You damn bastard!
A: Hey, at least I saved your ass!
J (Noticing DOG stirring): Wait, this guy ain't a zombie.
DOG: Goddamit man, Why did you shoot me!?
A: You were all like brains and I thought you were a zombie or some shit.
DOG: No, I fell into a scraggly bush and got cut in the neck. I thought this kid thought I was a zombie so I sarcastically yelled brains!
J: That is the most retarded shit I have ever heard! You know that we gotta watch out for fucking zombies, right?
DOG: Has anyone even seen one of these damn zombies?
WHIM: All of a sudden, shit got real.
SRK: Help me, I'm getting dragged by zombies!
A: We're not going to fall for that again Junior!
J: Oh shit, zombies are eating his brains!
WHIM: After witnessing something too gruesome to describe, the group encounters a human colony.
J: Anyone in there! Let us in! (Knocks on a huge wooden door where there's a massive concrete wall with barbed wire and shit. Apparently they were a little more productive with their time than these losers) I know there's people in there!
SOME RANDOM GUY: Are you guys zombies?
DOG: Do we look like zombies to you?
SRG: Well, you look a little skinny to be people, and what's that on your neck?
J: OK, they're zombies, not freaking vampires! Will you let us in or not?
SRG: Endanger our tribe just to let you guys eat our food and not contribute to our newfound society? Hells no!
J: Screw you (takes out a shotgun) Let us in, or turn into swiss cheese! (Ain't I kickass in this scenario? Whoa, and on spell check, apparently ain't is a word! Suck that third grade teacher!)
SRG: Fine, come on in. (He gestures us to enter, and inside there is a crapshack filled with shanties and slums.  Wasn't expecting 5 star hotels, but it seems you spent so much time for that damn wall and everything that...)
J: Sweet, so is there anything to eat or anything? Because we haven't ate in a while.
SRG: Ha! That's your own damn fault! Sucks for you!
WHIM: There is a gathering of disfigured masses of rotten and decaying flesh approaching the wall.

ZOMBIE!: It's pretty useless to be a human at this point! You guys won't last for more than two weeks! We'll kill you all!
J: Yo, zombie, I'm interested.
Z: Interested in what?
J: Turning into a fucking zombie! Don't you get to live forever and shit?
Z: Yeah, but you have to eat brains and shit like that. Plus, you have to get bitten and it really hurts badly.
J: Dude, if I can eat Taco Bell, brains actually kinda sound wholesome.(Jon holds out his arm and the zombie bites it, to which Jon transforms into a zombie!)
J: Haha. Effing Sweet!


Attorney's Note*: Hi there, uh just wanted to let you know that if there ever was a zombie apocalypse, Jon is not advising you to give up your humanity. We would need the precious few souls to rebuild society, and that assuredly means you'll get a little "some some" to assure the survival of this species. Oh yeah, and cannibalism is bad!
Writer's Note* Necrophilia and cannibalism don't sound too bad if you're a freaking zombie! Oh yeah, and screw humanity, what has it done for me?

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The Wonderful Lives of Bob And Julie in Knife Fight! & Chore List! Double Feature

Here is a little comic that I'll be running called The Wonderful Lives Of Bob And Julie! (For Those Who Give a Damn). It promises to take a whole new twist on situational humor! So here goes The Wonderful Lives of Bob and Julie in Knife Fight! Enjoy!*

*Writer's Note: Since you guys aren't paying your damn bills, I'm just going to show you the script! Mwahahahaahahaha! That's just the Greedy Bastard I Am!

SquiresSquadron's Bookmarks on Delicious

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Take the Money and Run! How I did in this Stupid Reality Show

Well, it seems like ABC is desperate for cash and drama, so they upped the ante by trying to make this show to apparently teach folks at home how to rob a bank and hide the cash (I actually have no idea, but that's what the commercial was hinting at). So, you're using REAL detectives that probably are trying to find a serial killer or just plain doing CSI shit and wasting our tax money to do this? I suppose this is trying to A.) either prove to the World that yes, our skilled government and law officers can track you down and find your money within a couple of hours or B.) to try and Robin Hood up this shit and steal money and get away with it.

The Ballad of Asian Samurai! For Racists like Yyyyyyoooooouuuuu!

Now I've begun to notice that a lot of anime characters and heroes are not ethnically correct. Hell, with manga like Naruto, Bleach and even Afro Freakin' Samurai there must be some damn Asian Hero (Hiro from Heroes doesn't count as that's just too obvious that they did that so people wouldn't complain why there's no damn Asians)! Fear not however, as I will draw up an Asian Samurai comic!*

Writer's Note: I suck at drawing so here's the script for Asian Samurai: Gettin' Ready to Kick Some Whitey's Ass!

NARRATOR: In a cold, high mountain cave somewhere in China or Japan, there stirs a figure. His short, skinny exterior lay cold as he was quietly munching on a rice cake. As he hobbled out of his cave, a tallish figure stared down on the pitiful figure below through binoculars.

CHUCK NORRIS (SPEAKING INTO WALKIE TALKIE): Okay, so I acquired the target. He looks pretty skinny. I bet I can take him.
VOICE: NO! Norris, you our only hope, as the most ass kicking white guy on the Planet right now. But, be weary,'cause his Asian powers will be too strong for you. Wait 'till he sleeps then slit his throat.
CN: Rodger that.
N: It is way past midnight and Norris becomes weary of waiting. So, he decides to get on his horse and cowboy it up to Asian Samurai. As he approaches the cave he takes out a knife and enters. He checks to make sure Asian's eyes are shut and tight, and they were. As he tried to plunge the dagger into his heart, Asian Ninja leaped into the air and furiously punched Norris with his lightning quick Asian fists.
CN: Wait, how were you able to do that? I thought you were asleep?
AS: Silly fool! My eyes were open the whole time!
CN: Wait, how can you be speaking English anyway?
AS: Enuff wit dis racism. Let's DUUUUEEELL! (Asian Samurai unsheathes his blade) Show me what ya got cracka!
N: Chuck Norris pulls out a pistol and shoots Asian Samurai square in the chest.
AS (Limping and coughing up blood):Dammit! If Ohhnnnlyy Ayyyyyzziahhhnns didn't invent gunpowdah!
CN: Dat was way too easy.
AS: Sneak Attack Flying Kick of Asian Death! (Asian Samurai's kick knocked Chuck Norris off of his high horse that he suddenly was on) Haha! That 'ill knock you off ya high horse!
CN: I thought I shot you right in the heart. (Asian Samurai reveals his chest, which was so pencil thin that Norris had no chance of hitting him) Okay, how about this. No weapons, just a battle to the death.
AS: Sorry, I'll never relinquish my weapons. Banzai! (Asian leaps into the air yet again and
his blade comes crashing down, the earth underneathe neatly sliced) Come back heah ya cowahd!
CN (Yelling into Walkie Talkie):Abort mission! Abort! Send me some help!
VOICE: Sorry, we warned you. (Chuck Norris then falls into a pitfall filled with sharp bamboo sticks)
N: Will this be the end of Chuck Norris? Who was the voice that wanted Asian dead? Will you stick around for for the next edition of Asian Samurai? I hope so, or else....

Squire's Squadron to Hit 100!* Writer's Note

Woohoo!

Well, as of this writing, my non successful, award losing blog has had 95 views. Now obviously that's not much to brag about, but I feel that this milestone is worth celebrating. Especially considering that my blog is only twelve days old (Here's my first post!). Now, this post is not supposed to be humorous, it's just a big thank you for all of my readers who have read my blog back when I was proclaiming it to be the greatest ever to talking about my shitty blog. Still, for those that are new to this site, you may wonder what the big deal is. Well, to be frankfully honest I didn't think it'd be this far so soon, especially considering it only averaged one view a day for a whole damn week. Yet I still made a little money!

Here, I want to explain the different areas to this blog. The R. A. R. S. M. page has all of my unique stories and strange ideas that you may enjoy. I add all of the week's R.A.R.S.M. articles there every Sunday. The Old Scraps From the Grapevine page is where I put up my faux news articles that I am affiliated with The Leaky Wiki (which is a nice site to put up Onion-esque news articles. Warning: Can be addicting!). There are many other wacky widgets in here but I'll leave that up to you to explore.

Also, I want to thank HubPages (the same one I berated 2 weeks ago but gets 40% of my audience and counting) my mom, and of course you. Thank You and adieu-

Jon Hunt

Rowling to Re-Write Harry Potter Series

LONDON, UK- Bloomsbury Publishing along with famed "children's" book writer J. K. Rowling have recently announced to reboot the multi-billion dollar franchise. Many have had suspicion about this new rewrite, which seemed to coincide too closely with the final movie, which just broke the all time Opening Weekend box office record last week. However, J. K. quickly dismissed those outrageous ideas in her press release saying "This is an artistic revision only, not a shameful attempt to revitalize a dying brand." 


Still, when other authors were asked these new revisions, they were outraged. "I don't know what ploy Rowling is trying to pull, but it seems rather condescending to her readers," said Dan Brown, author of the Davinci Code and a lot of other crazy novels. Stephen Meyer, when inquired on her thoughts on the move simply responded," If I were a fan of Rowling, I'd be very upset about how she is prostituting her talents and flaunting her apathy of hr fans." Lemony Snicket simply quipped,"Damn, I wished I thought about that!"




When asked what changes there would be in this new series, Rowling replied," I want to make a better, stronger, and more realistic story. I felt as if the first few books were too immature and weak compared to the rich and gripping storyline of the later novels. I want them all to be gripping and improved." Fans across the world are getting excited, because they were worried that the whole "PotterMania" phenomenon that had lasted for over a decade would abruptly end. "I have been fearing the day that the series would be coming to an end since the third book! I am glad that's going to be prolonged," responded Jane Lewis, who runs a Harry Potter fan club in Detroit. 


When are these new books coming out? According to Rowling," I am in no rush at all." Indeed..