Squire's Squadron: Pimp My Blog! For those who care

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Pimp My Blog! For those who care

"Yo, this is Xzibit, and this here blog called Cracked is cutting edge and gets tons of views. However, my boy Jon has this piece of shit site called Squire's Squadron. You see, he doesn't want to pay for his blog, and he is fashionably blind so that damn place is empty. Who wants to read the funniest damn articles ever with the crazy shit in here. So me and my crew, Westside Ghetto Customs will try to bail out my dawg here."

Cue Title Song

. Xzibit then walks around the street for some reason, which gets edited to look slightly less retarded. "OK, let's go," he gestures to the cameraman to follow him. He arrives to my driveway, where he pulls out a laptop and starts dissing my trashy site.
"OK, let's take a look at this. Dayumn! This paint job is falling off! And these rims ain't tight at all. Shit, it looks like he had a few ex readers key his comment board. Ha, must have been a bad breakup." After five minutes of talking shit about my award winning blog, he then knocks on my door. When I come out, I ecstatically lose my shit just how the MTV producers tell me to do it, and I was like sweet, you're going to fix my shitty car?
"No, we're here to pimp your blog. This is your blog, right?"
"Yeah, but it ain't shitty. My car is plenty more shitty!"
"Yeah, but yo dawg we got budget cuts so we can only fix your shitty blog."
Cut scene to Westside Ghetto Customs: "OK guys. So we got my boy Jon's shitty blog. What are we gonna do about it? Yo, Mad Mike what we gonna do about it?"
Well, I'm thinking about putting a stereo system and perhaps adding a few TVs in there. Oh, and put in some neons at the bottom."
"That sounds dope as hell! OK, so random mexican guy, what are you doing?"
"OK, holmes. This is my idea. How about a flame job?"
"Naw, flames are for flamers!"
"Si, How about this. We paint it with classic solid and stripes."
"Nah. Too classic. We don't wanna be old farts!"
"I have a suggestion" said a blob in the corner. "Go for it Big Dane."
"OK, this is all we really need. Now, just hold with me for a few seconds. Spinny rims!"
"AWWWWWW YEEEAAAHHH!" sang the group in chorus.
Now with the group frantically working on Jon's blog/ shitshack they ran into a few problems.
"Yo, Mad Mike! What's this shit for?"
"How the fuck would I know? Just toss it in the recycle bin!"
"Whoa, holmes. There is some crazy shit in here. There's like letters, numbers and a whole chimichanga full of mierda in this site!"
"Aaah, just close that up and pray to God that you didn't mess it up too much."
After laboriously laboring on the shitty site, the crew finally was able to change into something a little less shitty.
"Yo, wazzup dawg? Are you excited to see your new website that ain't shitty?"
"But it ain'-"
"OK guys, lift the curtain!" A laptop was revealed underneathe the thin veil. "Holy shit! I get to keep this laptop?!"
"Uhhh, no. Sorry, budget cuts."
"OK, Yo dawg, since I know you like facebook, we put a facebook app on your site."
"OK, but that's not a big-"
"And since I know dawg that you like YouTube, we embedded a YouTube app on here too."
"Well, that's nice but-"
"Oh yeah, and check out the surround sound on this bad boy! Yayuh! Oh yeah, and Spinny Rims!"
"You ransacked my website for a month and that's all you did?!"
"Wait, dawg. This is the best part!" He then pushed the button and the laptop growled like a real engine.
*Attorney General's Warning: Jon Hunt, you cannot use Xzibit's or anyone else's likeness from Pimped My Ride without permission from MTV.
**Writer's Note: My blog is so not shitty! And, whoa if you stare at the quotation marks long enough they look pink!