Squire's Squadron: Five Get Rich Quick Schemes! Guaranteed or your lack of money back!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Five Get Rich Quick Schemes! Guaranteed or your lack of money back!

Well, like all teenagers with an internet and a lack of common sense, I'd decided to take a crack at making money on the net. But, as it turns out you need like a ton of support just to make a couple of bucks. However, you guys being craftier and less of a social life than me might have a shot at it. So here it goes.

Scheme # 1: Yahoo Contributor's Network

Ever heard of Associated Content, or AssCon? Well, Yahoo bought it and renamed it to an even more ridiculous name. Well, after streaming through discussions for all of like two minutes I have decided it was worth my valuable and precious time. After glancing at the rules for a sec, I then wrote a masterpiece about the morals and laws of society contradicting each other, revealing ourselves to be shallow and hypocritical. After two days back I eagerly awaited for my multi million dollar check, only to be granted a nickel and a dime.

Is it Worth it? If you can type up bullshit that people will eat up and get a million plus views every single time, then you might make like five bucks a day. I make five times as much an hour for caddying, so I decided to try something else.

Scheme # 2: HubPages

Well, isn't this delightful. HubPages leads the world in insanely useless one paged articles with much ado about nothing (Hey, I legally need to have some culture in here. My attorney said so). So, I already was at a disadvantage. However, I composed a gem of a story about a man who uses a samurai sword to cut people up in their dreams. Unfortunately, it wasn't cutesie wootsie enough so I failed miserably.

Is it Worth it? Honestly if you're reading this I doubt it. Maybe if you find a friend who's into gardening and baking cookies it might be.

Scheme # 3: AdSense

Well, Google you evil yet magnificent bastard, you have caught me at my weakness, greed. I figured I would need some ads at some point, so get ready ladies and gents for my first moneymaker!

Don't be Evil. Bullshit!

Anyway, after luring you into my trap, I get money off of you! Mwahahahaha! So, let's see how much of your hard earned cash I have pick pocketed from you. Oh, just a couple of pennies. What pricks indeed! (Hell, they didn't even give me the pennies. You need $100 at least for them to pay you.)

Is it Worth it? Well, depends. If you own a tiny little shitshack of a website like me, well that's great. However, if you have a website that routinely hits into the millions of views then you fucking prick!

But first, a word from our sponsor!

It'd be funnier if it was Angelina Jolie wearing a shirt saying this.

Scheme # 4: Helium

I thought Hubcaps was bad enough, but this is just awful. After glancing at a few of the cash cows and noticing that half of them were about politics or the environment! Eww. Clearly this site needed an earthshaker, so when I signed in I wrote my first ever story just for kicks! Well, it was deemed too radical or something because there was no views! Not one. Maybe I should promote myself better, or something!

Is it Worth it? Maybe if you know, you hate yourself.

Scheme # 5: Cracked

Oh, please Cracked I just wanna write one tiny article! Please!

*Attorney's Note: Jon Hunt is not advocating doing these ridiculous and nonsensical things for something like money. You guys have a soul, and hopefully a wonderful, loving family that will take you in your arms when you're down. There is no need to prostitute your talents to fat cat corporations for nickels and dimes.
*Writer's Note: Hells Yeah I Am! Go money!