Squire's Squadron: How to stop the Gods from raping your loved ones!*

WARNING: NOT SUITABLE FOR ALL AUDIENCES!

If you have ever been to a mythology class, then you know how serious this is. I’m sure you have heard of some juicy tidbits from the news about a soldier back from war, only to find out that his wife has gotten knocked up by Zeus! Surely, you say to yourself in the voice of that Geico guy, there must be a way to stop this calamity. Fear not however, because I have six simple steps to stop this huge issue.

Jesus Christ! Even he’s a bastard (You ain’t fooling us JC about your momma being a “virgin”. We all know who your daddy is. Where do you honestly think godchild came from, guys?)

Step # 1: Grovel

The first thing you should do is beg on your knees so that the gods won’t make your wife go on her knees. Go to any altar, temple, or shrine and offer a sacrifice of some sort, like a virgin lamb, or your first born son. Then, afterwards, hopefully they will lay off with the rape. Of course, if you walk back to your house and see Zeus and Hades tag teaming your sister, then...

Step # 2: Peaceful Protest

It seems as if everything these days is done by peaceful protest. From King to Gandhi it seems like everyone is getting into the action. So, you might ask me, why would I do this against the Gods? Why would they care? Well, to be honest, I didn't think about it like that. I mean if they're super powered like the X-men, (and not just the lame ones either! Think Wolverine, or Wolverine with an eyepatch) then they'd probably just keep plowing your wife. Oh well, here's...

Step # 3: Violent Protest

It seems that everything these days is done by violent protest. From the enemies of King to the enemies of Gandhi, it seems like everyone is getting into the reaction. So, you might ask me, why would I want to fight the gods? I think I played a video game with that exact same tagline and failed miserably, so I have no idea. I mean, Zeus probably would rape you in the ass with a lightning bolt, and then getting messy with your loved one. So, what now magic man you say? Hold on, I actually thought the first one would work to be honest. Aha! But first a word from our sponsor:

Mmm. Delicious. And no, I am not talking about her pancakes.

I'm talking about her pancakes! Take that as you will.

Step # 4: Make them conspire against each other

OK, here's the thing about the gods, they absolutely hate each other's guts! Zeus and his crew be chillin' in Mount Olympus, or heaven for you Christians. But, his bro Hades talked smack about him or something like that, and he got evicted to some place called Hades (nice name choice I might add). Then, Poseidon was like screw it, I'm going home and built a cool underwater, mansion. Then they all lived happily ever after. Of course, sometimes just for fun they started some crazy shit up, because gods, or goddesses for the feminists, can.

OK, so this is the lowdown. You go to the edge of a lake, and mutter something about Zeus spelunking his junk in Poseidon's wife and how furious he must be. Then, try and go to the edge of a volcano and talk shit about Poseidon, and how he says that Hades is a whiny little loser bitch. This will get them in a huge feud and all hell will go loose. For like two minutes, before they realize that it's you that did it. Don't ask me how, I just assume they have spidey senses or something. Then lightning will be all over your ass!

Step # 5: Revenge!

Well, if Zeus is banging your family it's time to hit something a little closer to home. Since the women in the Zeus family are probably very lonely, make sure that you get a little comfortable. Or maybe uncomfortable. Well, there are two lovely ladies that you can pick from. One is Hera, his wife/ sister. (Yeah, I know but there was like ten people in existence or something like that. It's a little weird still) who is just absolutely gorgeous. Here's a pic of her nude. She's the hot dame at the right

Look at naked Flash checking her out!

Anyways, Hera might be a looker, but Zeus's daughter is the hottest in the solar system, Venus.

Best damn cripple girl I ever did see!

But, Jon you ask me with that silly inherent draw you were born with, how am I going to lay with that? Well, it's easy because she's the fucking god of sex dipshit! That is her fucking job, for crying out loud. After demolishing his daughter Zeus will probably wring you like a rag so perhaps that's a bad idea. Wait, but there's one more!

Step # 5: Dump that little whore!

Quick, if you could have sex with any women at all, who would it be. And don't say your wife 'cause that's a damn lie! It'd probably something like Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie, that one girl from the office who plays Pam (Jenny Fish? Too lazy to google that shit) or Tina Fey. I'd personally pick all of the above with Shia Leweak, Brad Pitt, Jon Krakpipe and Jon Stewart watching. Since they are freaking gods, they can do this! However, they keep nailing your girlfriend 'cause she's a fangirl. You'd think they'd hit it and run like they pretty much always do, but no she just runs back to them. Kinda like how Princess Peach "accidentally" gets kidnapped by the giant mutant ninja turtle dragon spiked lizard thing kabob every other day. It's just Mario that's completely clueless, hell I bet even Luigi knows. Well, you are that shmuck, and I am the unfortunate one to tell you that your girl is a slut.

*If a girl tries to pull this on you, you should A) tell her that mythology isn't real and B) kick her stomach to get rid of that little fucker.

** Attorney's Note: Please do not try to intentionally abort your ex lover. Just do it "accidentally".

*** If you want more of Jon Hunt, then browse Squire's Squadron for more stories, anecdotes, life experiences/ screw ups!