 |
| To vote for me. |
As I'm sure you all know, the new Presidential Election is coming up pretty damn soon. So, do you know who you're picking? Honestly, I don't really care, but since this is my first eligible voting election since I'll be nineteen come November, I'll be taking notes. Now I won't tell you who I'll be voting for but just assume it'll be the most obscure, random, and unlikely person you'll ever see in the Oval Office.
Now, onto the real business. The reason why I'll be bringing notes is to study the winner's campaign and perhaps incorporate that into my own! Hopefully, with the help of my zombie internet followers I can go ahead and rule this country! So, here are some excerpts from a Press Conference that I took a week ago when I made sure it was the slowest possible newsday ever.
"Hello, here. Now, you might just be wondering why we're all congregated here today. Well, I just want to announce my candidacy for the 2032 election! Any questions? Yes, you in the middle." I pointed towards some average looking woman.
"Yeah, why should we care again?"
"Uhh, good question you little bitch. Anyway, you don't care about the future? What kind of monster are you?! Shouldn't you care about the children? Besides, President is a very big deal m'aam!" After completely owning her another woman raised her hand. "Yes, go on."
"What party are you going to run as?"
"See Mary, (I pointed at the fat toad) that's a legitimate question. Uh, yea I don't want to get political lines drawn now. All I have to say is if you agree with my viewpoints then vote for me!"
"Yeah, so how are we gonna remember you twenty years from now, you dumbfuck?!" It was that damn warty toad again.
"Well, you see if you get to know my charm, wit and dazzling smile I doubt even you could forget this face. Now you sir." I pointed to a douchey looking reporter.
"Yes, well uh, what is your agenda?"
"What did you just call me!?"
"No, your plan. The ideas that you were spewing about earlier?"
"Oh yeah! Something about curing AIDS, ending World Hunger and going to war with China. You know, the usual."
"Sorry, what was that?" inquired that bimbo once again.
"Oh, so you have a problem with ending World Hunger! You are Un Freakin' Believable! You know that, right?"
"No, not that. Even though I highly doubt you could do any of those other things. I'm talking about going to war against China."
"So, you support the Commies all of a sudden? I suppose this is a free country but I personally believe that you are a traitor to this great nation's philosophies and you take the liberties that our forefathers have toiled over for granted!" The other reporters nodded in agreement with one guy shouting "Amen!"
"Well, sure they might operate under a different political standpoint but they are still our friends. Besides, our economy depends on the Chinese!"
"Yeah, whatever. Who cares about politics anyway? You guys will be electing me to lead, not to read!"
A couple morons facepalmed while the rest of the crowd applauded.
"Anyways, next question."
"Yessir, what are you going to do about the economy?"
"The same way that I take care of my debts, put it on an overtrusting credit card company and change your identity and move to Mexico for a couple of years."
"How the hell would that work?" asked the slimy little toad.
"We simply dump each and every penny of our debt onto China and then inform them that we actually switched places with Mexico. They'd never see it coming!"
"That wouldn't work in a million years" shouted that one douchey guy again.
"So I suppose that you have a much better plan then huh? Why don't you come up to the podium and inform everyone here of your plan?"
"Uhh, sure. Yeah, why not? OK, so here's what we do. Instead of spending a trillion dollars on healthcare or bailing out fatcat banks, why don't we just give it to the people who run the economy, you know the hundreds of millions of consumers and let them decide which companies are most important? And instead of allowing companies to send jobs overseas, how about tarriffing those companies while giving benefits to those that are primarily employed by Americans. And for Immigration, as long as they pay taxes, who the hell cares? Trust me, the IRS would be much more efficient and scarier than the Border Patrol. And-"
"OK, get off the damn podium, you had your fifteen minutes of fame. Now you're just trying to make me look bad." I said as I pushed him back to his rightful place below me.
"No, your utter lack of preparedness made you look bad. In fact I believe that guy over there is way more qualified than you!" remarked Professor Umbridge with the whole crowd nodding in agreement.
"Fine, you've got me. All I've got to say is hold on a sec. What's your name douchey guy?"
"Me, it's Jack. Jack Doe."
"Well, Mr. Doe has agreed to be my vice presidential candidate underneath the campaign Hunt Doe!"
Mr. Doe yelled out "Hells no" but it did not matter since the cheering from the crowd drowned him out.
*Attorney's Note: Normally I'd be happy that you are actually thinking ahead in the future, but this is absolutely ridiculous. I mean this ain't exactly good press and the last hitman hiring took out your allotted legal budget, so you might want to tone it down. Oh yeah, why the fuck am I not an Attorney General anymore?
**Writer's Note: Well maybe if I become president you might actually be a secretary or something.
