Squire's Squadron's Speaking in Tongues!

Squire's Squadron is speaking in tongues! But only half of them apparently.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Zombie Apocalypse: How Not to Proceed! For Clueless Curmudgeons Like You!

I realize that most of you realize the term "zombie apocalypse" is just a hypothetical scenario which really is more of a metaphor of your desperate pleas to turn over a new leaf or escape this elitist society (But Jon, you may ask because I'm forcing you to read a note out loud whilst holding a knife to your throat, why do you continue to berate your fans? Sorry, it's just that my alma mater was the Greg House Institute of Snide Humour w/ the British Spelling). Still, like all cultures, the Net has some crazy people take it too far and build bunkers and fortresses and all of that crazy shit. Fine by me, but for this scenario I'd assume that these geeks, misfits and nerds wouldn't last one freaking day if this shit actually happened. So, to find out I borrowed that What If Machine from Futurama, and it's simulation will follow some nerd called Alex.

WHIM: Alex and a few of his friends are hiding in an abandoned building, and each one is armed with a gun 'cause I said so.
JON: Ok, Alex. So we got all of these guns and shit. What the hell do we do now?
ALEX: Let me think for a sec,  I'm trying to remember that one movie I saw a little while ago.
SOME RANDOM KID: We need chainsaws!
A: Yup, we definitely need some of those. Maybe something even cooler like a flamethrower or maybe a flamethrowing chainsaw!
SRK: Or a chain throwing flamesaw!
A: Yeah, exactly!
J: OK, well that's interesting and all but what about food, shelter or water? You know, like the basic necessities?
A: Pfffft. That shit won't be needed for three days. Let's just wait till the last minute and kick some zombie ass!
DIS ONE GUY: Yeah, what he said!
J: Yeah, but if we wait till the last minute then we'll all die! Plus, do we even know how to fire these suckers?
A: Yeah, just point and shoot!
J: Well ,obviously but have any of us ever taken firearms classes? Or ever even really fired a fucking gun?
A: Well, I Quickscope your ass in Call of Duty all the time! (Note, this is a lie. I kick this kid's ass in COD all the fucking time. Poor noob)
J: But, that's not real life. Anyways, we probably should secure this place up before they try to kill us or whatever.
WHIM: After spending a few hours trying to board up windows and shit, the group notices something.
J: Hey, where did dat one guy go?
A: I don't know, 'cause I just told him to go get all of that shit you were talking about.
J: All alone out there?!
WHIM: DOG is seen clutching his neck, with a hint of blood seen on his hand. He's walking in a wispy motion, and it was freaking the shit out of everybody.
J: Hey, DOG. Are you alright? You look a little woozy, and where the hell did you get that cut?
WHIM: Alex freaks out pulls out his gun and shot DOG in the stomach.
J: Holy shit! You almost shot me! You damn bastard!
A: Hey, at least I saved your ass!
J (Noticing DOG stirring): Wait, this guy ain't a zombie.
DOG: Goddamit man, Why did you shoot me!?
A: You were all like brains and I thought you were a zombie or some shit.
DOG: No, I fell into a scraggly bush and got cut in the neck. I thought this kid thought I was a zombie so I sarcastically yelled brains!
J: That is the most retarded shit I have ever heard! You know that we gotta watch out for fucking zombies, right?
DOG: Has anyone even seen one of these damn zombies?
WHIM: All of a sudden, shit got real.
SRK: Help me, I'm getting dragged by zombies!
A: We're not going to fall for that again Junior!
J: Oh shit, zombies are eating his brains!
WHIM: After witnessing something too gruesome to describe, the group encounters a human colony.
J: Anyone in there! Let us in! (Knocks on a huge wooden door where there's a massive concrete wall with barbed wire and shit. Apparently they were a little more productive with their time than these losers) I know there's people in there!
SOME RANDOM GUY: Are you guys zombies?
DOG: Do we look like zombies to you?
SRG: Well, you look a little skinny to be people, and what's that on your neck?
J: OK, they're zombies, not freaking vampires! Will you let us in or not?
SRG: Endanger our tribe just to let you guys eat our food and not contribute to our newfound society? Hells no!
J: Screw you (takes out a shotgun) Let us in, or turn into swiss cheese! (Ain't I kickass in this scenario? Whoa, and on spell check, apparently ain't is a word! Suck that third grade teacher!)
SRG: Fine, come on in. (He gestures us to enter, and inside there is a crapshack filled with shanties and slums.  Wasn't expecting 5 star hotels, but it seems you spent so much time for that damn wall and everything that...)
J: Sweet, so is there anything to eat or anything? Because we haven't ate in a while.
SRG: Ha! That's your own damn fault! Sucks for you!
WHIM: There is a gathering of disfigured masses of rotten and decaying flesh approaching the wall.

ZOMBIE!: It's pretty useless to be a human at this point! You guys won't last for more than two weeks! We'll kill you all!
J: Yo, zombie, I'm interested.
Z: Interested in what?
J: Turning into a fucking zombie! Don't you get to live forever and shit?
Z: Yeah, but you have to eat brains and shit like that. Plus, you have to get bitten and it really hurts badly.
J: Dude, if I can eat Taco Bell, brains actually kinda sound wholesome.(Jon holds out his arm and the zombie bites it, to which Jon transforms into a zombie!)
J: Haha. Effing Sweet!

Attorney's Note*: Hi there, uh just wanted to let you know that if there ever was a zombie apocalypse, Jon is not advising you to give up your humanity. We would need the precious few souls to rebuild society, and that assuredly means you'll get a little "some some" to assure the survival of this species. Oh yeah, and cannibalism is bad!
Writer's Note* Necrophilia and cannibalism don't sound too bad if you're a freaking zombie! Oh yeah, and screw humanity, what has it done for me?

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