Squire's Squadron's Speaking in Tongues!

Squire's Squadron is speaking in tongues! But only half of them apparently.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Thanks For the Offer, But I'll Pass. For Intelligent Bloggers Like Me!

Well, sometimes I glance at other blogs such as spiceupmyblog.com and betterblog.com and other sites like that, mostly to just mock them at how lame their sites are compared to mine. However, they usually have some good widgets, tips, and ideas, all of which are free. So, if they want us fellow bloggers to do blogging for free, then why do they want us to be getting our own domain so badly? I mean, no offense but unless if you get like 1000 views a day or something, why bother? No point in having to pay rent just to have "your own" site, when you can keep yours for free.

Still though, I hear these guys just crowing about how incredible and awesome having your own domain is. It truly makes you feel super entitled, and uhhhhhhh. I'm pretty sure that these guys are getting paid to give rave reviews from Google or Godaddy/ HostGator, etc., because why the hell else would you brag about this? For all of you saying "Wait Jon, you have no idea what you're talking about! It makes your site look professional and aesthetically pleasing. You also get your own URL too!" Well, that's nice, but news flash I'm not a professional! I'm just some kid talking shit on the web, and just that. Anyway, I decided to try it out and with Google being such a nice sport, they gave me a preview. Here's the before and after pics.

Whoa, who'll be able to recognize my site? I mean, what if someone visited my site and were like "Whoa! What the fuck just happened? Is this some imitator site or something? Did Jon get hacked? I'll go back to using the Internet the way it was intended, porn." All two of my loyal visitors would be desperately searching for my blog, futilely trying to bask in it's original glory, only to come up empty handed.

Apparently, another perk of this whole ideal is to change your ridiculous looking URL with something a little more streamlined. For example, in order to get this page (you know, unless if you Follow by Email, bookmark it, follow me on Twitter, like me on Facebook, subscribe me on reddit, digg, feedburner, delicious, etc.), you'd need to type in www.squiresquadron.blogspot.com, instead of squiresquadron.com. Now, that's understandably a huge difference, so instead of that, you could just bookmark this or something. (Hell, Google this shit!)

Anyways, I made this post because Hostgator paid me a whole chunk of change to review them, and I feel it's worth every damn penny.

Attorney's Note: Uhhh, I am pretty sure that's not what HostGator intended when they asked you to post a review of them on your site. In fact, I suggest taking this down and formally apologizing to them right now for this hijinks!

Writer's Note: Why don't I just bend over for them too? I tell it like it is America (And the rest of the World too I guess)

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Friday, August 26, 2011

Goodnight Irene! My Explanation for these Crazy Events

Well, as some of you may know, I actually live in the cozy (boring) area of Saint Paul, MN. However, I spent most of my childhood in New England, with many relatives still living there who have been telling me that it's been a crazy week so far. First, an earthquake around D.C., which rattled the coast. Then, a hurricane is forming right now that is suspiciously predicted to go up the coastline, spreading mayhem from Carolina to Canada. Now, I'm not a meteorologist, so I did some research, and these facts absolutely startled me.

Now, if you have read up on mythology as much as I have, then you'll know that Poseidon is known as the God of the Sea, who can create deadly storms. What you probably didn't know is that he is also known as the "Earth Shaker" (citation needed? Damn it, just google it. Too tired for sources), which also explains the earthquake. So then why would Poseidon want to destroy the East Coast? And why now of all times? Then when I was watching the news, I found a keyword that pieced everything together. "Jersey Shore". It all made sense now. You see, Poseidon obviously was watching Jersey Shore and had gotten way too much Snooki for even a god to take, so he decided to take it out on the entire East Coast, all to destroy that Garbage, err, I mean Garden State forever.

How can we stop this calamity from happening? There's only one way to appease an ornery deity, human sacrifice. That's right ladies and gentlemen, we'll have to offer up the cast of Jersey Shore to the sea. Now, it's not so much a moralistic obstacle (because who would defend these guys?), but a strategic one. Luckily, I have a cunning plan. Lure them with half naked, greased up Oompah Loompahs to the beach, and push them into the ocean, where the currents will spare us of even more of that godawful show.

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Friday, August 19, 2011

Totally Not a Scam! URL Appraisal and other Site "Evaluators"

Hello everyone. I just wanted you guys to know that my website, Squire's Squadron is worth $23,575.58! NOT! Come on, it's worth way more than that, URL Appraisal! I understand you want to be more realistic and try to lowball it a little bit, but I could barely afford an American car with that little money, let alone a functioning one. I suppose that's your evil plan URL Appraisals, to try and get me to sell my site for virtually nothing. I'll have you know that this site, which is the Two Million Six Hundred and Seventy Nine Thousand Five Hundred and Twenty Ninth best site in the Universe is just so great that other bloggers offer me hundreds of dollars just to comment on my new Disqus platform. And I keep telling them thanks, but no thanks because it's just not worth your opinions ruining the greatness of my FACTS (Which is why there's like no comments here, not because no one cares what I say).

So, what is URL Appraisal's evil plan with my site anyway? Why do they continue to try to lower the value of my incredibly awesome and not fucking shitty site? Call me crazy, but I have come up with an interesting theory. See, there is this site called Flippa.com (too lazy to link it up, sorry) and I believe that URL Appraisal is trying to lure me to sell my blog, in order to make millions, nay, billions on this incredibly lucrative goldmine. Well, the joke is on you, because I will proudly display your badge as a protest to your hostile takeovers of small, innocent little websites just managing to scrape a couple mill once in a while. Join me, and boycott URL Appraisals for not only do they spit on my blog, they also get free advertising (as if there wasn't enough fucking ads already)! So, just to prove my point, I went to cubestats.com, which seemed to be nice enough to give me a break and give me a legitimate idea as to my site's value.


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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Jackie Chan Karate Chopped Death in the Face, Still Alive

HONG KONG, CHINA It was a sad time indeed when we heard the bitter news that everyone's favorite Chinese guy (since it turned out that Yao Ming sucked) was found dead in his apartment this Wednesday from a heart attack. However, it has been reported that Jackie has actually come back to life again and is now perfectly healthy.

When asked how he was able to do the seemingly impossible, Chan responded quite frankly. "You see, I was just on the couch when my heart felt like it was going to burst. Then, my eyes went all white and I knew that I was a goner. But after hanging out in the land of the dead and everything, I decided to track down this Death guy so I was talking to the locals for a little bit, where they pointed me to his little throne. Then, I challenged Death to a Kung Fu duel, because no one messes with the Chan, when all of a sudden he pulled out a sword. Knowing that I was screwed, he even gave me a sword too. We were battling and everything, and he took my sword and threw it, and then I grabbed his throne and toppled it onto him. Then, I karate chopped his face off and, bam, I'm back."

Even with such an airtight story, there were still skeptics. "Jackie ain't tough enough to come back from the dead. Trust me, because he'd be able to do the same thing with his career," remarked Jet Li. "It seems as if Chan is doing this as a ploy in order to revive his dying career. When was the last watchable movie he made, Around the World in Eighty Days?" conspired Chow Yun Fats. Award winning Director Brett Ratner, best known for his masterpieces of bullshit such as X Men: The Last Stand and the Rush Hour series simply replied ,"Thank God, because I was worried for Chan's family, and of course we will still be working on Rush Hour 4 to the best of our abilities!"

It seems certain that Chan has done the impossible, and therefore deserves as much attention as he can possibly garner (even though he died at March too), so I say live and let live. I mean, how could this have possibly benefited Chan? It's not like his career took a nosedive and now he's relevant again.

Oh, wait a minute.

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Thursday, August 11, 2011

Jays' Dynasty Secret Exposed by ESPN

TORONTO, CN- On Wednesday this week, ESPN had discovered that the Toronto Blue Jays, who everyone knows has been one of the most dominant teams in baseball with it's .500 record and consistently finishing fourth place in it's division, have been cheating! According to the respectable journalism of ESPN Magazine, written by Amy "I got hired so ESPN wouldn't look sexist" Nelson and Peter "Please Don't Hurt Me" Keating, it appears that the Jays newfound success of not even coming close to the playoffs stems from stealing signs!

According to their trustworthy unnamed source, four unimportant, i mean unnamed players have personally witnessed a mysterious "man in white" who was watching the catcher's signs and telling the Jays' batters what pitch was coming, by cleverly and inconspicuously jumping out of his seat at pretty much every pitch in order for the Jays batters to pick up the signal. Also, the guy in white, somehow was able to see the catcher's hand from five hundred feet away, because, ESPN said so. Now, unfortunately, even with almost a hundred home games a year being videotaped by Canadians, there appears to be no evidence of this "man in white". Luckily though, an anonymous artist was able to draw up an image for clarity.
Artist's Representation of Man in White, using smoke signals to  give  Jays an advantage
The rest of the league was absolutely furious however. Brian Cashman, GM of the Yankees (who were caught stealing signs just a couple months ago) retorted " What the Blue Jays are doing is an outrage to the game, as the only thing that should matter be in the ballpark." Charlie Manuel, of the Philadelphia Phillies (also caught last year) replied " Here goes the Steroid Era again. Honestly guys, we shouldn't tarnish the name of baseball even  more, because people are wary enough!" Astros GM Ed Wade responded "Damn, if only I had thought of that, maybe I wouldn't be kicked out to the unemployment line!"

Still though, is stealing signs that much of an advantage? Should the Jays be punished? Does Canada even care about baseball? Who cares, it's a fourth place team. GO SOX!

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Monday, August 8, 2011

Zombie Apocalypse: How Not to Proceed! For Clueless Curmudgeons Like You!

I realize that most of you realize the term "zombie apocalypse" is just a hypothetical scenario which really is more of a metaphor of your desperate pleas to turn over a new leaf or escape this elitist society (But Jon, you may ask because I'm forcing you to read a note out loud whilst holding a knife to your throat, why do you continue to berate your fans? Sorry, it's just that my alma mater was the Greg House Institute of Snide Humour w/ the British Spelling). Still, like all cultures, the Net has some crazy people take it too far and build bunkers and fortresses and all of that crazy shit. Fine by me, but for this scenario I'd assume that these geeks, misfits and nerds wouldn't last one freaking day if this shit actually happened. So, to find out I borrowed that What If Machine from Futurama, and it's simulation will follow some nerd called Alex.

WHIM: Alex and a few of his friends are hiding in an abandoned building, and each one is armed with a gun 'cause I said so.
JON: Ok, Alex. So we got all of these guns and shit. What the hell do we do now?
ALEX: Let me think for a sec,  I'm trying to remember that one movie I saw a little while ago.
SOME RANDOM KID: We need chainsaws!
A: Yup, we definitely need some of those. Maybe something even cooler like a flamethrower or maybe a flamethrowing chainsaw!
SRK: Or a chain throwing flamesaw!
A: Yeah, exactly!
J: OK, well that's interesting and all but what about food, shelter or water? You know, like the basic necessities?
A: Pfffft. That shit won't be needed for three days. Let's just wait till the last minute and kick some zombie ass!
DIS ONE GUY: Yeah, what he said!
J: Yeah, but if we wait till the last minute then we'll all die! Plus, do we even know how to fire these suckers?
A: Yeah, just point and shoot!
J: Well ,obviously but have any of us ever taken firearms classes? Or ever even really fired a fucking gun?
A: Well, I Quickscope your ass in Call of Duty all the time! (Note, this is a lie. I kick this kid's ass in COD all the fucking time. Poor noob)
J: But, that's not real life. Anyways, we probably should secure this place up before they try to kill us or whatever.
WHIM: After spending a few hours trying to board up windows and shit, the group notices something.
J: Hey, where did dat one guy go?
A: I don't know, 'cause I just told him to go get all of that shit you were talking about.
J: All alone out there?!
WHIM: DOG is seen clutching his neck, with a hint of blood seen on his hand. He's walking in a wispy motion, and it was freaking the shit out of everybody.
J: Hey, DOG. Are you alright? You look a little woozy, and where the hell did you get that cut?
WHIM: Alex freaks out pulls out his gun and shot DOG in the stomach.
J: Holy shit! You almost shot me! You damn bastard!
A: Hey, at least I saved your ass!
J (Noticing DOG stirring): Wait, this guy ain't a zombie.
DOG: Goddamit man, Why did you shoot me!?
A: You were all like brains and I thought you were a zombie or some shit.
DOG: No, I fell into a scraggly bush and got cut in the neck. I thought this kid thought I was a zombie so I sarcastically yelled brains!
J: That is the most retarded shit I have ever heard! You know that we gotta watch out for fucking zombies, right?
DOG: Has anyone even seen one of these damn zombies?
WHIM: All of a sudden, shit got real.
SRK: Help me, I'm getting dragged by zombies!
A: We're not going to fall for that again Junior!
J: Oh shit, zombies are eating his brains!
WHIM: After witnessing something too gruesome to describe, the group encounters a human colony.
J: Anyone in there! Let us in! (Knocks on a huge wooden door where there's a massive concrete wall with barbed wire and shit. Apparently they were a little more productive with their time than these losers) I know there's people in there!
SOME RANDOM GUY: Are you guys zombies?
DOG: Do we look like zombies to you?
SRG: Well, you look a little skinny to be people, and what's that on your neck?
J: OK, they're zombies, not freaking vampires! Will you let us in or not?
SRG: Endanger our tribe just to let you guys eat our food and not contribute to our newfound society? Hells no!
J: Screw you (takes out a shotgun) Let us in, or turn into swiss cheese! (Ain't I kickass in this scenario? Whoa, and on spell check, apparently ain't is a word! Suck that third grade teacher!)
SRG: Fine, come on in. (He gestures us to enter, and inside there is a crapshack filled with shanties and slums.  Wasn't expecting 5 star hotels, but it seems you spent so much time for that damn wall and everything that...)
J: Sweet, so is there anything to eat or anything? Because we haven't ate in a while.
SRG: Ha! That's your own damn fault! Sucks for you!
WHIM: There is a gathering of disfigured masses of rotten and decaying flesh approaching the wall.

ZOMBIE!: It's pretty useless to be a human at this point! You guys won't last for more than two weeks! We'll kill you all!
J: Yo, zombie, I'm interested.
Z: Interested in what?
J: Turning into a fucking zombie! Don't you get to live forever and shit?
Z: Yeah, but you have to eat brains and shit like that. Plus, you have to get bitten and it really hurts badly.
J: Dude, if I can eat Taco Bell, brains actually kinda sound wholesome.(Jon holds out his arm and the zombie bites it, to which Jon transforms into a zombie!)
J: Haha. Effing Sweet!

Attorney's Note*: Hi there, uh just wanted to let you know that if there ever was a zombie apocalypse, Jon is not advising you to give up your humanity. We would need the precious few souls to rebuild society, and that assuredly means you'll get a little "some some" to assure the survival of this species. Oh yeah, and cannibalism is bad!
Writer's Note* Necrophilia and cannibalism don't sound too bad if you're a freaking zombie! Oh yeah, and screw humanity, what has it done for me?

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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Wonderful Lives of Bob And Julie in Knife Fight! & Chore List! Double Feature

Here is a little comic that I'll be running called The Wonderful Lives Of Bob And Julie! (For Those Who Give a Damn). It promises to take a whole new twist on situational humor! So here goes The Wonderful Lives of Bob and Julie in Knife Fight! Enjoy!*

*Writer's Note: Since you guys aren't paying your damn bills, I'm just going to show you the script! Mwahahahaahahaha! That's just the Greedy Bastard I Am!

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