Here's a guest post from funnyman Shawn Yankey from his blog Laughing at Life!
Hi I'm comedian Shawn Yankey from the Laughing at Life blog. Today I have been invited to do a guest post over here at the Squire's Squadron and what I'm gonna talk about while i'm here is how the man is screwing us extra hard once again. These cigarettes are just too damn expensive today.
I mean come on, $5.00 a pack for Marlboro's? Are you fkn kidding me?
Chris Rock once said that them's crack prices, and they really are. He's totally right.
I mean think about it y'all, it's completely despicable these prices for our smokes. I mean it's just awful.
It might be at least a solid number 6 on the all time list of great incidents of butt rape against us citizens of the United States of America ever occurring in time.
Of course number one being 9/11, but this cigarette price conspiracy is at least 6th of all time if not 5. Who knows. i'll have to make the list sometime..,
Someday maybe I'll do a complete top ten of all the biggest screw jobs and conspiracies against the American citizens done to us by our corrupt and greedy government, and maybe the Squadron will invite me back to tell y'all all about it, but for now, let's just stick with these outrageous fking cigerette prices..,
Think about just how big of an attack against the lifestyles of us poor people this cigerette price shit really is. A brutal attack againt every poor smoker, all unpaid writers, or overnight pregnant convienience store clerk, even other various defeated and broken groups or individuals walking around. I'm in three of these groups , and I can say first hand that all three of us are getting royally screwed hard here.
How the hell can an unpaid struggling writer like me, be expected to afford the cost of feeding my fat face microwaved hot pockets and drinking 2liters of MTN Dew, just sitting on ass in front of my computer, chainsmoking cigarettes? Sitting fat and unpaid in a plume of smoke and just writing away with my clever words. Burning my sugar Momma's hard earned money on these expensive cigarettes.
I'm trying desperatly to write that one funny enough joke to blow up and go viral or maybe even to write a good enough short story and finally get myself paid for this writing and feed my babies with my passion and these smartass funny jokes and words.
Seriously, I need to start making enough money soon to at least chip in on cigs and groceries from this silly writing.
Achieving the status of poor is on our family's short term goal list, it's #3 in fact. Then maybe my wife could think of me during sex again and maybe she might even stop scowling everytime she walks by my fat bottomed chain-smoking ass as I sit there at the computer just endlessly hunting and pecking, working on blogs for free with all my clever little smartass words.
Bottom line is, I just really can't afford to chainsmoke and write for much longer.
For now, I write these words for free. I can't write without MTN Dew and cigarettes far as I know. I never have before. If I cant get paid to be funny I'm afraid I may need to get a real job or quit smoking.
I can't quit smoking because guess what, punch in the crotch number two in the cig price conspiracy, these cigarettes are addictive.
You see the problem right? Here's more proof if your skeptical still..,
Quick facts for you about why I'm so pissed about all this BS real quick. I don't want to complain too much or overstay my welcome here. I'm actually wanting to come back and write that top ten list but real quickly though some facts..,
Did y'all know how much a pack of ciggarettes's cost in Iraq?
$1.57, and that's for Marlboro's. My Decades' are almost $# and they are the cheapest at the store. So they pay half that and I know what you're thinking, bullshit right?
Yes, I thought so too. And guess what else? You don't even want to Google what a gallon of gas costs over in Iraq.
66 cents. No shit y'all. 66 pennies.
To recap, gas is $3 cheaper and cigarettes are 4 bucks cheaper and that kinda seems weird to me right? Because I mean, didn't we just like conquor all of Iraq? Wtf is up with these prices then am I right? Where's our cheap smokes and gas here in the US?
Either we're being screwed royal like or I say we get Navy Seal team 6 and Obama on this shit right here right away and get these two problems or at least the cigarette price delema solved right away. Money's getting tight.
That's all I'm saying here though seriously folks, we're gonna have to rise up here or the man won't stop all this violating of us. Us poor are the 99%ers remember. We may be fat and lazy but there's tons more of us. We'd win.
The tobacco and gas company's are raping us hard and, I don't know about y'all, but my butt is awful sore. So, let's pick a time and tweet each other so we can find a place and a time we can meet up and go fk up the man enough to at least get these cigarette and gas prices down some back home here in the motherland.
Attorney's Note*: Jon, what are you doing? You can't put something this vulgar and crazy sounding as this on your blog or else Google will shut you down!
Editor's Note**: I know, at first it was just him saying that cigarette prices were starting to get out of hand, so I decided to sprinkle in a few swear words here and there and turn it into a great conspiracy thing. You know, to get higher ratings.
Surgeon General's Warning***: Remember kids, smoking is bad for you and stuff like that.
Everybody Else's Note****: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
