Squire's Squadron's Speaking in Tongues!

Squire's Squadron is speaking in tongues! But only half of them apparently.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Half Assed Sports Roundup! The "I Got More Hits Than Jeter, Currently Waiting For Gold Glove And Significantly Overpaid Contract" Edition!

Hello folks, I know I haven't posted in a while, and goddammit a whole lot of shit happened since then. The Red Sox and Braves had a choking contest going on, but the Phillies and Yanks felt so left out that they joined in on the fun too. Hell, it almost even seemed like baseball was actually interesting, until football came back! Now, in a drama filled soap opera with star "runningback" Chris Johnson sucking dick and wide white receiver Julian Edelman accused of sexual assault, it is time for me to use my journalistic skills (what I learned from the pros; just make it up as you go along), I will hopefully uncover the truth at what is happening with some of the NFL's biggest headlines.

Mystery Numero Uno: What has Mr. Neck Pubes Done To Get All of This Hype?

If you squint really hard, you won't even
see the difference. Seriously.
Andrew Luck is doing pretty damn well in college, and I gotta admit he is pretty awesome to watch, because he seems to be the best guy on the field all of the time. Because he is. I mean come on, the hardest team that he has had to play was USC, and they aren't even qualified to go to any bowl games! Yet people all over the country are just absolutely gushing in their pants about this guy, even though with the best o line, running game and arguably one of the weaker divisions in college, he still doesn't seem to be the sure fire thing that everybody is expecting. Every time I watch him he seems to jump up and down and run in circles for a fucking hour only to throw it to some guy who was as wide open as your mom all damn day (the receivers by the way; your mom was last night) and he is suddenly hailed as the almighty great one who can do no wrong. Now I'm not saying he's going to suck at the NFL, but if he's a dud I am so claiming he did (and if he really is the next Peyton Manning or Tom Brady then pay no attention to this post).

Mystery # 2: What the fuck happened to Chris Johnson?:
The guy who just 2 years ago ran for over 2000 yards a couple years ago is now a huge scrub with his back-up outdoing him. So what the fuck CJ? Well, Mr. "Getting away from the Cops Speed"  has taken the money and DIDN'T run after signing a huge contract that will likely set him up for a couple of years until he inevitably blows it on cocaine and hookers like every sane and reasonable man in charge with that much finance. Sure, he might actually be working his ass off and is injured or something, but right after bitching and whining about a contract until he finally got one? Fat chance there buddy.
                                Don't worry, the announcer guy is also black so it's totally cool.

Mystery # 3: Is Phillip Rivers Stricken With Color Blindness?:
Phillip Rivers was always one of those borderline great players who kept on choking in the playoffs, but now he's not even getting his usual regular season stats (God forbid)! So what's the deal with this shit then (the fumbling, interceptions and just plain sucking)? I honestly have no idea, but Rivers never had a true nickname so I guess the obvious answer is that Phillip wants us to give him the perfect one. I mean how could a not really elite, but still really good player get the attention needed to get an awesome or cool nickname? By playing bad enough that we are forced to remember how good he used to be I suppose. So I propose a name like Butterfingers or Fumbles. Yeah, I'm gonna go with Fumbles too.

It was always Fumbles.

Attorney's Note*: You know what, I actually think that this post is so neutral and inoffensive that no one will actually sue us this time? Bravo! Oh yeah, why the long ass title?

Writer's Note*: Yeah, I know it sucked too. Didn't have to tell me twice.

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