Squire's Squadron's Speaking in Tongues!

Squire's Squadron is speaking in tongues! But only half of them apparently.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Jays' Dynasty Secret Exposed by ESPN

TORONTO, CN- On Wednesday this week, ESPN had discovered that the Toronto Blue Jays, who everyone knows has been one of the most dominant teams in baseball with it's .500 record and consistently finishing fourth place in it's division, have been cheating! According to the respectable journalism of ESPN Magazine, written by Amy "I got hired so ESPN wouldn't look sexist" Nelson and Peter "Please Don't Hurt Me" Keating, it appears that the Jays newfound success of not even coming close to the playoffs stems from stealing signs!

According to their trustworthy unnamed source, four unimportant, i mean unnamed players have personally witnessed a mysterious "man in white" who was watching the catcher's signs and telling the Jays' batters what pitch was coming, by cleverly and inconspicuously jumping out of his seat at pretty much every pitch in order for the Jays batters to pick up the signal. Also, the guy in white, somehow was able to see the catcher's hand from five hundred feet away, because, ESPN said so. Now, unfortunately, even with almost a hundred home games a year being videotaped by Canadians, there appears to be no evidence of this "man in white". Luckily though, an anonymous artist was able to draw up an image for clarity.
Artist's Representation of Man in White, using smoke signals to  give  Jays an advantage
The rest of the league was absolutely furious however. Brian Cashman, GM of the Yankees (who were caught stealing signs just a couple months ago) retorted " What the Blue Jays are doing is an outrage to the game, as the only thing that should matter be in the ballpark." Charlie Manuel, of the Philadelphia Phillies (also caught last year) replied " Here goes the Steroid Era again. Honestly guys, we shouldn't tarnish the name of baseball even  more, because people are wary enough!" Astros GM Ed Wade responded "Damn, if only I had thought of that, maybe I wouldn't be kicked out to the unemployment line!"

Still though, is stealing signs that much of an advantage? Should the Jays be punished? Does Canada even care about baseball? Who cares, it's a fourth place team. GO SOX!

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