Squire's Squadron's Speaking in Tongues!

Squire's Squadron is speaking in tongues! But only half of them apparently.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Jackie Chan Karate Chopped Death in the Face, Still Alive

HONG KONG, CHINA It was a sad time indeed when we heard the bitter news that everyone's favorite Chinese guy (since it turned out that Yao Ming sucked) was found dead in his apartment this Wednesday from a heart attack. However, it has been reported that Jackie has actually come back to life again and is now perfectly healthy.

When asked how he was able to do the seemingly impossible, Chan responded quite frankly. "You see, I was just on the couch when my heart felt like it was going to burst. Then, my eyes went all white and I knew that I was a goner. But after hanging out in the land of the dead and everything, I decided to track down this Death guy so I was talking to the locals for a little bit, where they pointed me to his little throne. Then, I challenged Death to a Kung Fu duel, because no one messes with the Chan, when all of a sudden he pulled out a sword. Knowing that I was screwed, he even gave me a sword too. We were battling and everything, and he took my sword and threw it, and then I grabbed his throne and toppled it onto him. Then, I karate chopped his face off and, bam, I'm back."

Even with such an airtight story, there were still skeptics. "Jackie ain't tough enough to come back from the dead. Trust me, because he'd be able to do the same thing with his career," remarked Jet Li. "It seems as if Chan is doing this as a ploy in order to revive his dying career. When was the last watchable movie he made, Around the World in Eighty Days?" conspired Chow Yun Fats. Award winning Director Brett Ratner, best known for his masterpieces of bullshit such as X Men: The Last Stand and the Rush Hour series simply replied ,"Thank God, because I was worried for Chan's family, and of course we will still be working on Rush Hour 4 to the best of our abilities!"

It seems certain that Chan has done the impossible, and therefore deserves as much attention as he can possibly garner (even though he died at March too), so I say live and let live. I mean, how could this have possibly benefited Chan? It's not like his career took a nosedive and now he's relevant again.

Oh, wait a minute.

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