Squire's Squadron's Speaking in Tongues!

Squire's Squadron is speaking in tongues! But only half of them apparently.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Wonderful Lives of Bob And Julie in Knife Fight! & Chore List! Double Feature

Here is a little comic that I'll be running called The Wonderful Lives Of Bob And Julie! (For Those Who Give a Damn). It promises to take a whole new twist on situational humor! So here goes The Wonderful Lives of Bob and Julie in Knife Fight! Enjoy!*

*Writer's Note: Since you guys aren't paying your damn bills, I'm just going to show you the script! Mwahahahaahahaha! That's just the Greedy Bastard I Am!

NARRATOR: It was a chilly night in a little suburb where there were no meth labs, pedophiles or rich douches. You know, the fictional ones. Anyway, the still air was disturbed by shouts and yelling.
JULIE: Give me the Damn Knife!
BOB: (Waving Around the knife) Hells No! We agreed that I would cut up my son's and you'd be able to cut up our daughters'!
JULIE: Don't you be waving that damn knife at me!
BOB: I'll wave this damn knife however I want!
JULIE: Think of the children!
(There is a knock on the door. As Bob and Julie open up, they find their next door neighbor Greg. Greg appears to have a bewildered and troubled look on his face.)
BOB: Hey, what's up Greg?
GREG: Uh, yeah. Is there any problems, 'cause I have been hearing a lot of shouting and yelling.
JULIE: What are you talking about?
GREG: To be honest, it sounded like Bob was trying to kill you or something like that. Actually, it kinda sounded like you guys were gonna chop up your kids too.
BOB: Whoa, that is some sick shit man! I just wanted to cut my son's birthday cake and Julie wanted too as well. I'm sorry honey for being so childish.
JULIE: I'm sorry too honey.
(They then kiss passionately and start to do some raucous love-making while Greg watches)
End Screen

The Wonderful Lives of Bob and Julie in Chore List! (For Those Who Give A Damn)
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Thought I was joking, didn't you?

NARRATOR: Bob and Julie are getting ready for Spring Cleaning, because they are flawless in every single way possible. Here Julie gives him a list of things to do.
JULIE: (handing Bob a piece of paper) Okay, Bob. I'm going to run down to the store. While I'm gone, here's a list of things I want done.
BOB (Incoherently mumbling while browsing the list): Give Sophie the talk? She's 8 fucking years old!
JULIE: Oh, I meant that she's driving me nuts with the whole "Where do babies come from?" and she doesn't buy my whole stork story. Oh yeah, and remember to mow the lawn, clean the gutters and satisfy the maid while I'm gone!
BOB: Will do!
NARRATOR: Bob knocks into Sophie's room and Sophie lets him enter. She then asks him the dreaded question, to which Bob responds...
BOB: Well, you see sweetie, when a Mommy and a Daddy love each other very much, or if Daddy slips some ecstasy into your mom's drink, they do something that's called "doing it". After "doing it", Mommy gets really fat and annoying for about nine months, eating the strangest shit, err i mean poo, that you have ever seen. Then, after being in her belly for like nine months and kicking Mommy's kidneys and bladder which forced her to go to the bathroom like every fucking second! Oh, yeah and you didn't just plop out either. It took like twelve fucking hours too!
SOPHIE: I don't believe a single word of it.
BOB: You are an impossible child, you know that? Okay, here's what really happens. (Bob pauses as he tries to make up some bullshit) Okay, so you know those stupid dolls that we buy you that shit and piss and everything?
BOB: Well, basically on a stormy night, kinda like this one, we grab one of those suckers and grab a kite, fly that thing right into a stormcloud and bam, lightning hits it Ben Franklin/ Frankenstein style, (Franklinstein interrupted Sophie) yeah  whatever, and that's how you were born. Of course you have to be rushed to the hospital and the doctors so they clean you up, give you your papers and a name and you're good to go! That's why babies cry, sleep and eat so much, because their only memory is getting hit by lightning, which traumatizes them!
SOPHIE: Wow, I want to try that so badly now! 
BOB: Sorry, no getting pregnant until you're at least 14!
NARRATOR: As Bob left Sophie's room he saw the maid.
BOB: Oh yeah, uh Roxie, here's that raise you wanted. (And handed her a jar full of nickels and dimes)
ROXIE: Thank You Master Bob! This'll pay for tolls on my commute for like a whole week! ("You dumb bastard" muttered Roxie under her breath)
NARRATOR: Julie arrives soaked, her clothes tattered from the wind and water dripping down her face. She also had groceries by the way, but I doubt you guys don't care)
BOB: Nice party huh.
JULIE: Haha, very funny. Did you do the whole list?
BOB: I couldn't fix up the yard or anything because it's pouring outside but I gave the maid a raise and told where babies came from. 
JULIE: Why is she outside?
BOB: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.
JULIE: Oh yeah, did you do the dishes and laundry?
BOB: I knew I forgot something!
JULIE: Oh well, let's get hot and soapy together!
NARRATOR: Bob and Julie do some raucous love making while Greg peers through the window.
End Screen

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