Now, if you have read up on mythology as much as I have, then you'll know that Poseidon is known as the God of the Sea, who can create deadly storms. What you probably didn't know is that he is also known as the "Earth Shaker" (citation needed? Damn it, just google it. Too tired for sources), which also explains the earthquake. So then why would Poseidon want to destroy the East Coast? And why now of all times? Then when I was watching the news, I found a keyword that pieced everything together. "Jersey Shore". It all made sense now. You see, Poseidon obviously was watching Jersey Shore and had gotten way too much Snooki for even a god to take, so he decided to take it out on the entire East Coast, all to destroy that Garbage, err, I mean Garden State forever.
How can we stop this calamity from happening? There's only one way to appease an ornery deity, human sacrifice. That's right ladies and gentlemen, we'll have to offer up the cast of Jersey Shore to the sea. Now, it's not so much a moralistic obstacle (because who would defend these guys?), but a strategic one. Luckily, I have a cunning plan. Lure them with half naked, greased up Oompah Loompahs to the beach, and push them into the ocean, where the currents will spare us of even more of that godawful show.
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