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Take the Money and Run! How I did in this Stupid Reality Show

Well, it seems like ABC is desperate for cash and drama, so they upped the ante by trying to make this show to apparently teach folks at home how to rob a bank and hide the cash (I actually have no idea, but that's what the commercial was hinting at). So, you're using REAL detectives that probably are trying to find a serial killer or just plain doing CSI shit and wasting our tax money to do this? I suppose this is trying to A.) either prove to the World that yes, our skilled government and law officers can track you down and find your money within a couple of hours or B.) to try and Robin Hood up this shit and steal money and get away with it.

The Ballad of Asian Samurai! For Racists like Yyyyyyoooooouuuuu!

Now I've begun to notice that a lot of anime characters and heroes are not ethnically correct. Hell, with manga like Naruto, Bleach and even Afro Freakin' Samurai there must be some damn Asian Hero (Hiro from Heroes doesn't count as that's just too obvious that they did that so people wouldn't complain why there's no damn Asians)! Fear not however, as I will draw up an Asian Samurai comic!*

Writer's Note: I suck at drawing so here's the script for Asian Samurai: Gettin' Ready to Kick Some Whitey's Ass!

NARRATOR: In a cold, high mountain cave somewhere in China or Japan, there stirs a figure. His short, skinny exterior lay cold as he was quietly munching on a rice cake. As he hobbled out of his cave, a tallish figure stared down on the pitiful figure below through binoculars.

CHUCK NORRIS (SPEAKING INTO WALKIE TALKIE): Okay, so I acquired the target. He looks pretty skinny. I bet I can take him.
VOICE: NO! Norris, you our only hope, as the most ass kicking white guy on the Planet right now. But, be weary,'cause his Asian powers will be too strong for you. Wait 'till he sleeps then slit his throat.
CN: Rodger that.
N: It is way past midnight and Norris becomes weary of waiting. So, he decides to get on his horse and cowboy it up to Asian Samurai. As he approaches the cave he takes out a knife and enters. He checks to make sure Asian's eyes are shut and tight, and they were. As he tried to plunge the dagger into his heart, Asian Ninja leaped into the air and furiously punched Norris with his lightning quick Asian fists.
CN: Wait, how were you able to do that? I thought you were asleep?
AS: Silly fool! My eyes were open the whole time!
CN: Wait, how can you be speaking English anyway?
AS: Enuff wit dis racism. Let's DUUUUEEELL! (Asian Samurai unsheathes his blade) Show me what ya got cracka!
N: Chuck Norris pulls out a pistol and shoots Asian Samurai square in the chest.
AS (Limping and coughing up blood):Dammit! If Ohhnnnlyy Ayyyyyzziahhhnns didn't invent gunpowdah!
CN: Dat was way too easy.
AS: Sneak Attack Flying Kick of Asian Death! (Asian Samurai's kick knocked Chuck Norris off of his high horse that he suddenly was on) Haha! That 'ill knock you off ya high horse!
CN: I thought I shot you right in the heart. (Asian Samurai reveals his chest, which was so pencil thin that Norris had no chance of hitting him) Okay, how about this. No weapons, just a battle to the death.
AS: Sorry, I'll never relinquish my weapons. Banzai! (Asian leaps into the air yet again and
his blade comes crashing down, the earth underneathe neatly sliced) Come back heah ya cowahd!
CN (Yelling into Walkie Talkie):Abort mission! Abort! Send me some help!
VOICE: Sorry, we warned you. (Chuck Norris then falls into a pitfall filled with sharp bamboo sticks)
N: Will this be the end of Chuck Norris? Who was the voice that wanted Asian dead? Will you stick around for for the next edition of Asian Samurai? I hope so, or else....

Squire's Squadron to Hit 100!* Writer's Note

Woohoo!

Well, as of this writing, my non successful, award losing blog has had 95 views. Now obviously that's not much to brag about, but I feel that this milestone is worth celebrating. Especially considering that my blog is only twelve days old (Here's my first post!). Now, this post is not supposed to be humorous, it's just a big thank you for all of my readers who have read my blog back when I was proclaiming it to be the greatest ever to talking about my shitty blog. Still, for those that are new to this site, you may wonder what the big deal is. Well, to be frankfully honest I didn't think it'd be this far so soon, especially considering it only averaged one view a day for a whole damn week. Yet I still made a little money!

Here, I want to explain the different areas to this blog. The R. A. R. S. M. page has all of my unique stories and strange ideas that you may enjoy. I add all of the week's R.A.R.S.M. articles there every Sunday. The Old Scraps From the Grapevine page is where I put up my faux news articles that I am affiliated with The Leaky Wiki (which is a nice site to put up Onion-esque news articles. Warning: Can be addicting!). There are many other wacky widgets in here but I'll leave that up to you to explore.

Also, I want to thank HubPages (the same one I berated 2 weeks ago but gets 40% of my audience and counting) my mom, and of course you. Thank You and adieu-

Jon Hunt

Rowling to Re-Write Harry Potter Series

LONDON, UK- Bloomsbury Publishing along with famed "children's" book writer J. K. Rowling have recently announced to reboot the multi-billion dollar franchise. Many have had suspicion about this new rewrite, which seemed to coincide too closely with the final movie, which just broke the all time Opening Weekend box office record last week. However, J. K. quickly dismissed those outrageous ideas in her press release saying "This is an artistic revision only, not a shameful attempt to revitalize a dying brand." 


Still, when other authors were asked these new revisions, they were outraged. "I don't know what ploy Rowling is trying to pull, but it seems rather condescending to her readers," said Dan Brown, author of the Davinci Code and a lot of other crazy novels. Stephen Meyer, when inquired on her thoughts on the move simply responded," If I were a fan of Rowling, I'd be very upset about how she is prostituting her talents and flaunting her apathy of hr fans." Lemony Snicket simply quipped,"Damn, I wished I thought about that!"




When asked what changes there would be in this new series, Rowling replied," I want to make a better, stronger, and more realistic story. I felt as if the first few books were too immature and weak compared to the rich and gripping storyline of the later novels. I want them all to be gripping and improved." Fans across the world are getting excited, because they were worried that the whole "PotterMania" phenomenon that had lasted for over a decade would abruptly end. "I have been fearing the day that the series would be coming to an end since the third book! I am glad that's going to be prolonged," responded Jane Lewis, who runs a Harry Potter fan club in Detroit. 


When are these new books coming out? According to Rowling," I am in no rush at all." Indeed..

Shocking News! British Athletes Too Lazy to Stand!

LONDON, UK- According to coaches of the British field and Track team, they are not going to be in the Opening Ceremony for their own damn country. Also, it appears as if the swimming and diving team will boycott the games as well. In order to stop the embarrassment of being the only country in the whole world to have their strongest and best not be able to stand through the ceremony, The Brits are looking for new solutions. When former British Prime Minister Tony Blair was asked about this, he responded, "Perhaps carry a damn pocket chair or something. I don't know, or maybe just suck it up! You're embarrassing us! Do you think the Chinese, Russians, or hell, even the m$^&*$#@!  Americans are doing this sh*t!?"

Though those options sound good on paper, after a little investigating it seems as if laziness is actually a common thing for Olympians. "Everybody gets this crazy notion that just because you're an Olympian means that you are a Superman or some bullsh*t like that. That ain't true at all. Hell, have you seen all of the bullsh*t sports that we have? Why do you think I chose Ping Pong? Definitely not to show honor to my country!" replied Wang Hao with the assistance of a translator, who is ranked as the best table tennis player in the world. In fact as I delved even deeper, Wang Hao did have a point. Remember the Last Olympic Games where athletes were making a huge deal about the smog in Beijing and the fact that the Chinese had a distinct home-field advantage (God forbid that happen)? There was no controversy in the 1984 Olympics where Los Angeles, the smog capital of the world was hosting (consider that racism or athletes being softer), so perhaps it's best for these guys to listen to Toby Blair's advice and just suck it up.

NASA to Restart Space Shuttle with Slight Modifications

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA.- After a whole lot of convincing and bake sales from elementary schools across the country, Obama has decided to reinstate the Space Shuttle Program. "Earlier, we were losing a whole lot of money and I figured, hey why not shut down one of America's most cherished and beloved icons? But now, I think as long as we play it safe we can make it work," said the President last Sunday.

                                                                         Artist's Representation of new racing Shuttles

So, what are these changes, you ask. Well, it appears that a few of the Florida and Texas employees have made a brilliant suggestion, to be modeled by NASCAR. You see, first the shuttles along with the suits will be adorned with ads everywhere. Sponsors will bid to get some coveted ad space (pun most definitely intended) which should help keep the program afloat. Then, NASA along with the Russians have inked a deal with FOX SPORTS for 20 billion dollar deal to race from Earth to the Moon and then back. Also, NASA along with the Chinese, Europe, Japan, and Russia are building an interplanetary roadway starting from Mercury all of the way to Neptune ('Cause screw you Pluto).

                                                   'Nuff Said.

Unfortunately, there seems to be a growing number of scientists that feel that this is a strange gimmick in order to make money off of our fine space program. However, since I couldn't contact them at all, I'd just assume they changed their minds. This new program, dubbed by its creators as "NASACAR" will be available on Friday nights at 9 PM Eastern, 8 PM Central.

Pimp My Blog! For those who care

"Yo, this is Xzibit, and this here blog called Cracked is cutting edge and gets tons of views. However, my boy Jon has this piece of shit site called Squire's Squadron. You see, he doesn't want to pay for his blog, and he is fashionably blind so that damn place is empty. Who wants to read the funniest damn articles ever with the crazy shit in here. So me and my crew, Westside Ghetto Customs will try to bail out my dawg here."

Cue Title Song

. Xzibit then walks around the street for some reason, which gets edited to look slightly less retarded. "OK, let's go," he gestures to the cameraman to follow him. He arrives to my driveway, where he pulls out a laptop and starts dissing my trashy site.
"OK, let's take a look at this. Dayumn! This paint job is falling off! And these rims ain't tight at all. Shit, it looks like he had a few ex readers key his comment board. Ha, must have been a bad breakup." After five minutes of talking shit about my award winning blog, he then knocks on my door. When I come out, I ecstatically lose my shit just how the MTV producers tell me to do it, and I was like sweet, you're going to fix my shitty car?
"No, we're here to pimp your blog. This is your blog, right?"
"Yeah, but it ain't shitty. My car is plenty more shitty!"
"Yeah, but yo dawg we got budget cuts so we can only fix your shitty blog."
Cut scene to Westside Ghetto Customs: "OK guys. So we got my boy Jon's shitty blog. What are we gonna do about it? Yo, Mad Mike what we gonna do about it?"
Well, I'm thinking about putting a stereo system and perhaps adding a few TVs in there. Oh, and put in some neons at the bottom."
"That sounds dope as hell! OK, so random mexican guy, what are you doing?"
"OK, holmes. This is my idea. How about a flame job?"
"Naw, flames are for flamers!"
"Si, How about this. We paint it with classic solid and stripes."
"Nah. Too classic. We don't wanna be old farts!"
"I have a suggestion" said a blob in the corner. "Go for it Big Dane."
"OK, this is all we really need. Now, just hold with me for a few seconds. Spinny rims!"
"AWWWWWW YEEEAAAHHH!" sang the group in chorus.
Now with the group frantically working on Jon's blog/ shitshack they ran into a few problems.
"Yo, Mad Mike! What's this shit for?"
"How the fuck would I know? Just toss it in the recycle bin!"
"Whoa, holmes. There is some crazy shit in here. There's like letters, numbers and a whole chimichanga full of mierda in this site!"
"Aaah, just close that up and pray to God that you didn't mess it up too much."
After laboriously laboring on the shitty site, the crew finally was able to change into something a little less shitty.
"Yo, wazzup dawg? Are you excited to see your new website that ain't shitty?"
"But it ain'-"
"OK guys, lift the curtain!" A laptop was revealed underneathe the thin veil. "Holy shit! I get to keep this laptop?!"
"Uhhh, no. Sorry, budget cuts."
"OK, Yo dawg, since I know you like facebook, we put a facebook app on your site."
"OK, but that's not a big-"
"And since I know dawg that you like YouTube, we embedded a YouTube app on here too."
"Well, that's nice but-"
"Oh yeah, and check out the surround sound on this bad boy! Yayuh! Oh yeah, and Spinny Rims!"
"You ransacked my website for a month and that's all you did?!"
"Wait, dawg. This is the best part!" He then pushed the button and the laptop growled like a real engine.
*Attorney General's Warning: Jon Hunt, you cannot use Xzibit's or anyone else's likeness from Pimped My Ride without permission from MTV.
**Writer's Note: My blog is so not shitty! And, whoa if you stare at the quotation marks long enough they look pink!

Jose Bautista Thanks "Mr. Needles" for His Success!

Well, my fellow baseball fans, it is very dark times indeed. It seems like players are juicing left and right! All for a silly chance to play a kid's game and be remembered to be one of the greatest human beings to have ever lived and making millions upon millions while doing so. So, I had unearthed this heartwarming story instead.

                                                         Jose Bautista hitting long balls by going to the gym

You see, before just last year, Jose was just about to be kicked out of the big leagues for sucking so badly. But then, Jose "magically" was able to hit 54 homers in just one year, which is almost as much as the ten years beforehand. Now, he currently is on pace for another 50+ homer season, with 32 dingers already. What is his secret? When asked the same question by yours truly, Joey Bats replied "It was all thanks to Mr. Needles."

                                                                  Mr. Needles, appearing to be sent up the river

"You see, being a Latino in Canada, there is not much else to do than watch old "George Lopez" re-runs. There was this one episode where the dog, which they named Mr. Needles, cause he is so fucking messed up. Well, the dog was gonna die, just like my career, where all of a sudden he got a helping hand from a loving Lopez family. All I needed was that, and the Toronto Blue Jays have helped me with that." After correcting his swing, feeding him and giving him scheduled shots (the dog), he was back on his feet. Now, two years after leaving the god awful Pirates, Jose now is jump-starting his career and I'd be shocked if he also was uncovered as another juicer. I mean with a name like Jose, how could you not trust him? (Jose Canseco doesn't count)

*Writer's Note: Was the whole George Lopez thing a little too racist?
**Attorney General's Warning: I should slap you for being so damn ignorant!

Don't Click the Ads! A Warning to prevent Awesomeness!

This is less of an article and more of a warning. As you may have noticed, there is now a judicious and healthy use of ads in this site. For those that weren't able to enjoy the one week where there were no ads, well that sucks for you. Anyways, this is just a little note of caution when you are surrounded by so many incredible and curious things. Hell, even right now there is an ad with Japanese written all over it for some reason, even though according to my analytics app there are no Japanese readers on here. So, I just assumed that the ad was just so fucking incredible that it even transcends language and culture barriers. Then as I glanced at another ad, it had an advertisement of Google Adwords, which is a fantastic program that just guarantees you to have internet fame and freedom! But before I finish my tale of caution, here's a word from our sponsor!

Sanitized because you don't want to have icky, filthy tapeworms crawling through you, amirite! Ya wanna make sure they're clean first!
Anyways, I am just telling you all of this because I am just so jealous of you guys. This is because Google just won't let me even touch one of these fanciful and delight giving ads. Each one of these products are so top notch, so I feel as if I am missing out on a good time. So, if you just absolutely hate me, then I suggest pounding your mouse on a banner right now, so you can imagine the anguish and suffering that I feel. Also, since Google won't let me encourage you on clicking these ads by giving you gifts or anything as harmless as that I (Oh wait a minute, one says that I can be Mars, deity of war! That means I can plow that Venus chick, right?) feel sorry for you. Oh well, I guess I can't stop you just like a doctor can't tell my uncle to lay off the bacon. There is pretty much nothing I can do.

*Accountant Note: Jon, what are you doing? Advertising makes up 95%** of your revenue! You can't afford to do this! It's economic suicide! I hope you know what you are doing!
**The other 5% is from dealing weed.
***Writer's Note: Haven't you ever heard of Reverse Psychology dumbass? Oh yeah, and remember guys that you "don't" have to click the ads. At least, unless if you want to leave with your lives. Threats also work too, right?
****Attorney General's Warning: Please disregard Jon's threats, they are empty. Oh yeah, can I use a pound key or something instead of an asterisk? It seems a little pointless to have five of those motherfuckers.
*****Writer's Note (Again!): Pound keys are gay! (Wait, why are you facepalming? Is it something I said?)
Please Browse Squire's Squadron for more useless shit that'll get you through the day!

Why Cash is so freaking useless! For those in denial

Well, if you have ever watched one of those friendly, totally not brainwashing credit card commercials that says that cash and checks take so much time in our high adrenaline world of grocery shopping and picking up coffee that you are better off with those tiny pieces of plastic with affordable plans and tiny interest rates. Actually, since cash itself doesn't have that, it seems the only advantage would be speed. Fear not though, as I will prove that credit cards are just so much better than cash or check.

                       Oh shit! I missed a zero!
Well, in order to begin my research on which is better, I decided to hit up the grocery store to check out all of the action. When I grabbed an assorted bunch of candy bars, salty snacks and other junk food, I leaped into the next line and dutifully waited for my turn. There were two people in front of me, their carts brimming with miscellaneous shit that scream that they are going to take for fucking ever. The first woman, a god forsaken ginger, was frantically gouging her purse fishing for that elusive checkbook. When she finally was able to grasp it from the cluster-fuck inside, she then guffawed ridiculously as she realized she forgot a pen. Then when the cashier provided one to her, she hesitated, wrapping her arms like a second grader does to make sure no one is peeking at their test. Finally, after she gave the guy the check, the whole damn line sighed! But then, the little prick mentioned to the ketchup-haired bitch that she marked the wrong date. After throwing our collective hands in the air in disgust, the next woman came up to line.

       Just like this! It's YouTube guys, so no profanity. Just niceties.

 She seemed to be a brash, confident, and sexy girl but all of a sudden she pulled out like fifty dollar bills. No, not twenties or even fives but mother fucking Washingtons! After seductively licking every corner while counting I had noticed she was busting out a couple of coin rolls! Oh no, I thought, she's going to do exact freakin' change! Then, after all of that debauchery was over, I figured it was my turn. However, when I walked over, she put her palm to my face and said "Naw ah Mister" and revealed a whole heap of coupons loosely packed with an old elastic. I shuddered at the sight of those, and retreated back, a defeated man. Then after carefully examining the worn out pieces of paper, the cashier guy figured out they were counterfeits! Who the hell counterfeits coupons? After getting her sweet ass kicked out, it was finally my turn as the line which seemingly bolstered into a parade cheered and chanted my name.

                     
  I am actually not kidding you. There once was somebody at the grocery line that had fuckin' counterfeit coupons!
I coolly grabbed out my credit card from my wallet and oh so smoothly slid the card through the crease and carried my stuff to the doorway. That is until the clerk guy barked at me to put in the PIN number. Then, after that little nuisance I was free to go. Oh, wait I messed up on the PIN. OK, third time is a charm and now- what? I don't give a shit about a receipt! Yes, I'm sure. Now I have to sign on this impossibly hard to write on  stupid little screen. Then, it seemed like I was being processed to jail. I swore that he checked my thumbprint and my retinas too! Maybe even frisked a little. Anyway, he explained to me that it was all a safety precaution so that no one would steal my identity.

"Ha!" I scoffed. "No one can steal this pretty face and incredible wit!"
*Attorney General's Warning: Jon Hunt is not trying to imply that the notion of credit cards zipping your hard earned paycheck without even the decency of getting paper-cut is a terrible idea. He's just jealous because he doesn't got a card with no cap on it! Oh yeah, and something about Identity theft not being a joke I think.
** Writer's Note: Yeah, as if it takes me half a goddamn hour just to whip out some green! I am so jealous.
*** Explore Squire's Squadron today!!!

How to write Evergreen Articles! For Talentless Hacks like You!

If you are new to internet writing, then you might not heard of Evergreen Articles. Basically, Evergreen is writing that will never go stale for some reason, like porn or bullshit. Since I can't make porn (but can look at porn!), I'll just talk about writing bullshit.

Step # 1: Slap a How to on that Sucker!

Or make a list, recipe, or whatever. Basically since the Internet is full of idiots who wouldn't be able to do anything without a blog version of a For Dummies Book. So, what should you do? Well, use trusty old google for it of course! Well, on the google bar type in a letter and see what the first question is. I'll use teach me how to dougie as an example. First off, if you are a white, teenage, middle to upperclass male then get out of here! Noone wants to see your stupid ass flailing around tunelessly with no beat or rhythm. Anyway, now that you got your idea, let's start writing.

Step # 2: Assume your readers are complete idiots.

You don't want to rush or use big words because not too many internet surfers are that bright (I mean just look in a mirror for example) so in order to not lose them, you might want to dumb it down a bit. For example, when you are doing the dougie, you know what screw it. Here's a video! Anyway, use lots of pictures and videos and Kazaam! You got your millions! Now before I reveal the final step, here's a word from our sponsor!

Best Damn Restaurant Ever! Shitty er, I mean City Wok!

OK, here it goes!

Step # 3: Promote it as best you can!
In our wonderful Capitalism, we get paid in performance. That doesn't mean quality, no sir not by a long shot! You can half ass anything as long as it looks decent, or if you can expose it as much as possible. Since I don't have a fucking billboard or something, so you need to try to get some other media outlets. For example, you can go to any youtube video and spam a link onto the comments. Sure, it makes you look like a douche and it might even get removed, but youtubers are usually so mind numbingly callused from comments that they might just click it! After you throw in the line hook and sinker, you just wait... and wait. Well, at least you tried buddy.
*Attorney's Note: Jon Hunt does not advocate laziness at all. In fact he is very dedicated to his work, constantly examining and rechecking and rehashing his work. The finished product you see here is from constant editing, improving and polishing out the rough edges.
**Pffft! I write this stuff in my sleep. And in no way am I advocating laziness for talentless people, just "suggesting".
*** Browse Squire's Squadron for more stories and articles!

Five Get Rich Quick Schemes! Guaranteed or your lack of money back!

Well, like all teenagers with an internet and a lack of common sense, I'd decided to take a crack at making money on the net. But, as it turns out you need like a ton of support just to make a couple of bucks. However, you guys being craftier and less of a social life than me might have a shot at it. So here it goes.

Scheme # 1: Yahoo Contributor's Network

Ever heard of Associated Content, or AssCon? Well, Yahoo bought it and renamed it to an even more ridiculous name. Well, after streaming through discussions for all of like two minutes I have decided it was worth my valuable and precious time. After glancing at the rules for a sec, I then wrote a masterpiece about the morals and laws of society contradicting each other, revealing ourselves to be shallow and hypocritical. After two days back I eagerly awaited for my multi million dollar check, only to be granted a nickel and a dime.

Is it Worth it? If you can type up bullshit that people will eat up and get a million plus views every single time, then you might make like five bucks a day. I make five times as much an hour for caddying, so I decided to try something else.

Scheme # 2: HubPages

Well, isn't this delightful. HubPages leads the world in insanely useless one paged articles with much ado about nothing (Hey, I legally need to have some culture in here. My attorney said so). So, I already was at a disadvantage. However, I composed a gem of a story about a man who uses a samurai sword to cut people up in their dreams. Unfortunately, it wasn't cutesie wootsie enough so I failed miserably.

Is it Worth it? Honestly if you're reading this I doubt it. Maybe if you find a friend who's into gardening and baking cookies it might be.

Scheme # 3: AdSense

Well, Google you evil yet magnificent bastard, you have caught me at my weakness, greed. I figured I would need some ads at some point, so get ready ladies and gents for my first moneymaker!

Don't be Evil. Bullshit!


Anyway, after luring you into my trap, I get money off of you! Mwahahahaha! So, let's see how much of your hard earned cash I have pick pocketed from you. Oh, just a couple of pennies. What pricks indeed! (Hell, they didn't even give me the pennies. You need $100 at least for them to pay you.)

Is it Worth it? Well, depends. If you own a tiny little shitshack of a website like me, well that's great. However, if you have a website that routinely hits into the millions of views then you fucking prick!

But first, a word from our sponsor!

It'd be funnier if it was Angelina Jolie wearing a shirt saying this.


Scheme # 4: Helium

I thought Hubcaps was bad enough, but this is just awful. After glancing at a few of the cash cows and noticing that half of them were about politics or the environment! Eww. Clearly this site needed an earthshaker, so when I signed in I wrote my first ever story just for kicks! Well, it was deemed too radical or something because there was no views! Not one. Maybe I should promote myself better, or something!

Is it Worth it? Maybe if you know, you hate yourself.

Scheme # 5: Cracked

Oh, please Cracked I just wanna write one tiny article! Please!

*Attorney's Note: Jon Hunt is not advocating doing these ridiculous and nonsensical things for something like money. You guys have a soul, and hopefully a wonderful, loving family that will take you in your arms when you're down. There is no need to prostitute your talents to fat cat corporations for nickels and dimes.
*Writer's Note: Hells Yeah I Am! Go money!

How to stop the Gods from raping your loved ones!*

WARNING: NOT SUITABLE FOR ALL AUDIENCES!

If you have ever been to a mythology class, then you know how serious this is. I’m sure you have heard of some juicy tidbits from the news about a soldier back from war, only to find out that his wife has gotten knocked up by Zeus! Surely, you say to yourself in the voice of that Geico guy, there must be a way to stop this calamity. Fear not however, because I have six simple steps to stop this huge issue.

Jesus Christ! Even he’s a bastard (You ain’t fooling us JC about your momma being a “virgin”. We all know who your daddy is. Where do you honestly think godchild came from, guys?)

Step # 1: Grovel

                The first thing you should do is beg on your knees so that the gods won’t make your wife go on her knees. Go to any altar, temple, or shrine and offer a sacrifice of some sort, like a virgin lamb, or your first born son. Then, afterwards, hopefully they will lay off with the rape. Of course, if you walk back to your house and see Zeus and Hades tag teaming your sister, then...

Step # 2: Peaceful Protest

              It seems as if everything these days is done by peaceful protest. From King to Gandhi it seems like everyone is getting into the action. So, you might ask me, why would I do this against the Gods? Why would they care? Well, to be honest, I didn't think about it like that. I mean if they're super powered like the X-men, (and not just the lame ones either! Think Wolverine, or Wolverine with an eyepatch) then they'd probably just keep plowing your wife. Oh well, here's...

Step # 3: Violent Protest

             It seems that everything these days is done by violent protest. From the enemies of King to the enemies of Gandhi, it seems like everyone is getting into the reaction. So, you might ask me, why would I want to fight the gods? I think I played a video game with that exact same tagline and failed miserably, so I have no idea. I mean, Zeus probably would rape you in the ass with a lightning bolt, and then getting messy with your loved one. So, what now magic man you say? Hold on, I actually thought the first one would work to be honest. Aha! But first a word from our sponsor:

                                           Mmm. Delicious. And no, I am not talking about her pancakes.

                                                          I'm talking about her pancakes! Take that as you will.

Step # 4: Make them conspire against each other

OK, here's the thing about the gods, they absolutely hate each other's guts! Zeus and his crew be chillin' in Mount Olympus, or heaven for you Christians. But, his bro Hades talked smack about him or something like that, and he got evicted to some place called Hades (nice name choice I might add). Then, Poseidon was like screw it, I'm going home and built a cool underwater, mansion. Then they all lived happily ever after. Of course, sometimes just for fun they started some crazy shit up, because gods, or goddesses for the feminists, can.

OK, so this is the lowdown. You go to the edge of a lake, and mutter something about Zeus spelunking his junk in Poseidon's wife and how furious he must be. Then, try and go to the edge of a volcano and talk shit about Poseidon, and how he says that Hades is a whiny little loser bitch. This will get them in a huge feud and all hell will go loose. For like two minutes, before they realize that it's you that did it. Don't ask me how, I just assume they have spidey senses or something. Then lightning will be all over your ass!

Step # 5: Revenge!

Well, if Zeus is banging your family it's time to hit something a little closer to home. Since the women in the Zeus family are probably very lonely, make sure that you get a little comfortable. Or maybe uncomfortable. Well, there are two lovely ladies that you can pick from. One is Hera, his wife/ sister. (Yeah, I know but there was like ten people in existence or something like that. It's a little weird still) who is just absolutely gorgeous. Here's a pic of her nude. She's the hot dame at the right

Look at naked Flash checking her out!

Anyways, Hera might be a looker, but Zeus's daughter is the hottest in the solar system, Venus.

                                                      Best damn cripple girl I ever did see!

But, Jon you ask me with that silly inherent draw you were born with, how am I going to lay with that? Well, it's easy because she's the fucking god of sex dipshit! That is her fucking job, for crying out loud. After demolishing his daughter Zeus will probably wring you like a rag so perhaps that's a bad idea. Wait, but there's one more!

Step # 5: Dump that little whore!

Quick, if you could have sex with any women at all, who would it be. And don't say your wife 'cause that's a damn lie! It'd probably something like Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie, that one girl from the office who plays Pam (Jenny Fish? Too lazy to google that shit) or Tina Fey. I'd personally pick all of the above with Shia Leweak, Brad Pitt, Jon Krakpipe and Jon Stewart watching. Since they are freaking gods, they can do this! However, they keep nailing your girlfriend 'cause she's a fangirl. You'd think they'd hit it and run like they pretty much always do, but no she just runs back to them. Kinda like how Princess Peach "accidentally" gets kidnapped by the giant mutant ninja turtle dragon spiked lizard thing kabob every other day. It's just Mario that's completely clueless, hell I bet even Luigi knows. Well, you are that shmuck, and I am the unfortunate one to tell you that your girl is a slut.

*If a girl tries to pull this on you, you should A) tell her that mythology isn't real and B) kick her stomach to get rid of that little fucker.

** Attorney's Note: Please do not try to intentionally abort your ex lover. Just do it "accidentally".

*** If you want more of Jon Hunt, then browse Squire's Squadron for more stories, anecdotes, life experiences/ screw ups!