Squire's Squadron's Speaking in Tongues!

Squire's Squadron is speaking in tongues! But only half of them apparently.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Take the Money and Run! How I did in this Stupid Reality Show

Well, it seems like ABC is desperate for cash and drama, so they upped the ante by trying to make this show to apparently teach folks at home how to rob a bank and hide the cash (I actually have no idea, but that's what the commercial was hinting at). So, you're using REAL detectives that probably are trying to find a serial killer or just plain doing CSI shit and wasting our tax money to do this? I suppose this is trying to A.) either prove to the World that yes, our skilled government and law officers can track you down and find your money within a couple of hours or B.) to try and Robin Hood up this shit and steal money and get away with it.

It sounded like the perfect game show to me, so I signed up for an exclusive preview. When I arrived to the ABC studios they kindly tasered and maced me. But after that embarrassing first impression the producers decided they needed some extra publicity and exposure, so they led me to Private Detective Sherlock Poirot.
Don't Tase me bro! Aww shit! Too Late Mothafucka!

SP: Hello there Jon. I'm afraid we don't have enough time to do the actual thing, so here's something else instead. (He flashed me a rolled up wad of cash) Here's a thousand bucks. Now I'll give you three chances to hide the money anywhere within walking distance from here, and if I can't find it within five minutes then it's yours.
J: Sweet!
SP: So, you'll get a half hour head start, starting riiiiiiigggghhhhhhtttt NOW! GO!

I frantically hurried, searching where I could possibly hide this little wad of dough when I stumbled into the bathroom. Then, this gave me a brilliant idea and I triumphantly walked back to the interrogation room, cool as a cucumber.
J: Okay, so you're not going to torture me or do the good cop, bad cop routine, are you?
SP: Don't be silly! We're saving that for the pilot.
J: Okay, so how does this work?
SP: Basically I just use my intuition, instincts and experience as a detective to sniff you out.
J: Just like Monk then huh?
SP: Exactly.
J: Well, then take this! (I spilled the cup of joe that they had on the table for some reason)
SP: Sorry, I am not obsessively compulsive. OK, so let me just ask you a few questions.
J: Shoot it.
SP: First off, are you okay? You're kinda sitting a little funny.
J: Oh, I guess that's just the nerves kicking. Remember, a thousand bucks are on the line!
SP: Uhuh. So, how are you feeling today? Anything going on?
J: That's kind of a random question, but I'll bite. I'm just trying to get a little cash, that's all. I'm also having a nice little cozy chat with you.
SP: Well, that's nice but this is not supposed to be a cozy chat at all. (He got up and cranked the thermostat. He's really trying to make me crack!)
J: Uh, any more questions?
SP: Oh, I don't know. I'm just trying to get a response from you. A tell, something that'd lead me to the cash.
J (tattering the table covered in sticky coffee with his fingers): Listen I didn't come here for a psych analysis!
SP: Fair is fair. All you need to do is come clean. You like the law, respect the law, and especially fear the law. God truly knows whether or not you have sinned so you might as well confess now.
J: Listen, time is almost up so since you have no idea where it is, I think I'll "take the money and run". Ha, see what I did there?
SP: It's up your ass.
J: What are you talking about? That's ridiculous.
SP: Oh really? (Poirot pulls out a latex glove and smoothly slipped it onto his hand)
J: OKAY, it is! Damn, how did you know!?
SP: Like, to be honest 90% of these guys just shove it up their asses for some fucking reason. I have no idea though.
J: I got the idea from some documentary about drug mules.
SP: Freaking figures.
J: So, do I get a second shot or something? 'Cause you mentioned something about three chances.
SP (Waving his hand in protest and disgust): Nonononononononononononono! That's quite alright! You probably earned that money anyways!

Well, with an extra grand of filthy (pun most definitely intended) cash I walked out of the door with a strange gait and some nice spending cash!

*Surgeon General's Warning: Hey there, just wanted all of you to not shove cash, drugs or anything up your ass because it could be very dangerous and cause rectal infection! None of us want that, right?
**Writer's Note: I can afford twenty bucks of penicillin with One Freakin' Thousand Dollars!
Next R.A.R.S.M. Titles will be Hunt for '32 Campaign and Zombie Apocalypse! How not to Proceed! For Clueless Curmudgeons Like You!!
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