Squire's Squadron: How to write Evergreen Articles! For Talentless Hacks like You!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

How to write Evergreen Articles! For Talentless Hacks like You!

If you are new to internet writing, then you might not heard of Evergreen Articles. Basically, Evergreen is writing that will never go stale for some reason, like porn or bullshit. Since I can't make porn (but can look at porn!), I'll just talk about writing bullshit.

Step # 1: Slap a How to on that Sucker!

Or make a list, recipe, or whatever. Basically since the Internet is full of idiots who wouldn't be able to do anything without a blog version of a For Dummies Book. So, what should you do? Well, use trusty old google for it of course! Well, on the google bar type in a letter and see what the first question is. I'll use teach me how to dougie as an example. First off, if you are a white, teenage, middle to upperclass male then get out of here! Noone wants to see your stupid ass flailing around tunelessly with no beat or rhythm. Anyway, now that you got your idea, let's start writing.

Step # 2: Assume your readers are complete idiots.

You don't want to rush or use big words because not too many internet surfers are that bright (I mean just look in a mirror for example) so in order to not lose them, you might want to dumb it down a bit. For example, when you are doing the dougie, you know what screw it. Here's a video! Anyway, use lots of pictures and videos and Kazaam! You got your millions! Now before I reveal the final step, here's a word from our sponsor!

Best Damn Restaurant Ever! Shitty er, I mean City Wok!

OK, here it goes!

Step # 3: Promote it as best you can!
In our wonderful Capitalism, we get paid in performance. That doesn't mean quality, no sir not by a long shot! You can half ass anything as long as it looks decent, or if you can expose it as much as possible. Since I don't have a fucking billboard or something, so you need to try to get some other media outlets. For example, you can go to any youtube video and spam a link onto the comments. Sure, it makes you look like a douche and it might even get removed, but youtubers are usually so mind numbingly callused from comments that they might just click it! After you throw in the line hook and sinker, you just wait... and wait. Well, at least you tried buddy.
*Attorney's Note: Jon Hunt does not advocate laziness at all. In fact he is very dedicated to his work, constantly examining and rechecking and rehashing his work. The finished product you see here is from constant editing, improving and polishing out the rough edges.
**Pffft! I write this stuff in my sleep. And in no way am I advocating laziness for talentless people, just "suggesting".
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