Squire's Squadron's Speaking in Tongues!

Squire's Squadron is speaking in tongues! But only half of them apparently.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Why Cash is so freaking useless! For those in denial

Well, if you have ever watched one of those friendly, totally not brainwashing credit card commercials that says that cash and checks take so much time in our high adrenaline world of grocery shopping and picking up coffee that you are better off with those tiny pieces of plastic with affordable plans and tiny interest rates. Actually, since cash itself doesn't have that, it seems the only advantage would be speed. Fear not though, as I will prove that credit cards are just so much better than cash or check.

                       Oh shit! I missed a zero!
Well, in order to begin my research on which is better, I decided to hit up the grocery store to check out all of the action. When I grabbed an assorted bunch of candy bars, salty snacks and other junk food, I leaped into the next line and dutifully waited for my turn. There were two people in front of me, their carts brimming with miscellaneous shit that scream that they are going to take for fucking ever. The first woman, a god forsaken ginger, was frantically gouging her purse fishing for that elusive checkbook. When she finally was able to grasp it from the cluster-fuck inside, she then guffawed ridiculously as she realized she forgot a pen. Then when the cashier provided one to her, she hesitated, wrapping her arms like a second grader does to make sure no one is peeking at their test. Finally, after she gave the guy the check, the whole damn line sighed! But then, the little prick mentioned to the ketchup-haired bitch that she marked the wrong date. After throwing our collective hands in the air in disgust, the next woman came up to line.
       Just like this! It's YouTube guys, so no profanity. Just niceties.

 She seemed to be a brash, confident, and sexy girl but all of a sudden she pulled out like fifty dollar bills. No, not twenties or even fives but mother fucking Washingtons! After seductively licking every corner while counting I had noticed she was busting out a couple of coin rolls! Oh no, I thought, she's going to do exact freakin' change! Then, after all of that debauchery was over, I figured it was my turn. However, when I walked over, she put her palm to my face and said "Naw ah Mister" and revealed a whole heap of coupons loosely packed with an old elastic. I shuddered at the sight of those, and retreated back, a defeated man. Then after carefully examining the worn out pieces of paper, the cashier guy figured out they were counterfeits! Who the hell counterfeits coupons? After getting her sweet ass kicked out, it was finally my turn as the line which seemingly bolstered into a parade cheered and chanted my name.
  I am actually not kidding you. There once was somebody at the grocery line that had fuckin' counterfeit coupons!
I coolly grabbed out my credit card from my wallet and oh so smoothly slid the card through the crease and carried my stuff to the doorway. That is until the clerk guy barked at me to put in the PIN number. Then, after that little nuisance I was free to go. Oh, wait I messed up on the PIN. OK, third time is a charm and now- what? I don't give a shit about a receipt! Yes, I'm sure. Now I have to sign on this impossibly hard to write on  stupid little screen. Then, it seemed like I was being processed to jail. I swore that he checked my thumbprint and my retinas too! Maybe even frisked a little. Anyway, he explained to me that it was all a safety precaution so that no one would steal my identity.

"Ha!" I scoffed. "No one can steal this pretty face and incredible wit!"
*Attorney General's Warning: Jon Hunt is not trying to imply that the notion of credit cards zipping your hard earned paycheck without even the decency of getting paper-cut is a terrible idea. He's just jealous because he doesn't got a card with no cap on it! Oh yeah, and something about Identity theft not being a joke I think.
** Writer's Note: Yeah, as if it takes me half a goddamn hour just to whip out some green! I am so jealous.
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